Jeff Brantley, M.D.

The following discussion took place during Bronson Arroyo Spring Break Blastoff '09 featuring the Reds AA affiliate Zebulon Mudcats who went on to beat their superiors 12-4.

Marty--The point I was making when the top of the second ended--the subject of carpal tunnel came up--and Bronson talked about signing a lot of autographs and strumming his guitar. It stretches the level of believability, that signing an abundance of autographs could create that physical problem, but maybe playing the guitar excessively will. And if that's the problem, that's not a good sign whatsoever.

Brantley--Well, it's not, and we've talked about that many times. And the thing about it, Marty, is I've played the guitar, and I know what it does. It hurts your back, and it bothers your neck, which includes your radial nerve, which goes right down into that web space which is right between the thumb and the finger. That radial nerve comes out of the base of your neck, and it comes right down over the top of your forearm and into the web space between your thumb and your forefinger and that's the place, the exact place, that Bronson Arroyo is talking about it being numb and bothering him.

Marty--Well, if it is from playing the guitar, and I've alluded to it before--his vocation is pitching (interrupted by Brantley)

Brantley--Well we talked about this last year.

Marty--He's paid handsomely to pitch.

Brantley--Well, we talked about it last year, and as soon as everybody made a big deal about playing the guitar, he stopped playing and he had a wonderful second half.

Marty--I would just hope that this thing does not progress to the point where he's going to have to have this surgically repaired because that's usually what you have to do.

Brantley--Well, I don't think it's carpal tunnel for one.

Marty--You don't?

Brantley--Nope, I do not.

Marty--What do you think it is?

Brantley picks up with the play-by-play. "Another line drive right up the box..." and never comes back to his diagnosis.

Bronson Arroyo can see dead people

We are saddened by a recent release from the Reds PR department that announced rock guitarist Bronson Arroyo, also pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds, is battling carpal tunnel syndrome, or the ability to see dead people.

Here are some quotes from the release...

Arroyo on pitching while a dead paperboy rides a bicycle around the mound in circles...
"It makes it harder to pitch, but I just have to deal with it."

Arroyo on pitching against the Yankees and the ghost of Mickey Mantle...
"My fingers were weak, like they were falling asleep. Then it went away. After I pitched the ALDS, it came back. I worried about throwing against the Yankees. I only threw a couple more times out of the 'pen. We went on to win, and in the offseason, it didn't bother me."

Dusty on the presence of a hippie stalker ghost in the clubhouse...
"Everybody thinks it's from him playing the guitar too much. He assured us he hadn't been. It's something he's going to have to deal with, and we have to find a way to solve it."

All jokes aside, this could be a potential career-ending malady for Bronson if it worsens over the next few years. If Bronson wants to defeat this, he needs to stop running away in fear and actually listen to what they're trying to say (the medical staff that is).

Scouting Report: Alex Gonzalez, Who Does Exist

Offense:
Did you know that Alex Gonzalez has finished with an OPS+ below the league average in all 10 seasons? His best offensive stint occurred in 2007, his first year with the Reds, when he hit .272/.325/.468 with a 99 OPS+ in about two-thirds of a season. This was phenomenal for Alex compared to his career averages (.248/.295/.399 and an 80 OPS+). Because Alex is not a power hitter (106 HRs in 4,002 ABs) there is no reason why he strikes out as often as he does, every 4.9 ABs. Alex seems to have Brandon Phillips syndrome--he swings about three times too hard.

Defense:
Alex has more range than No Country For Old Men. If it's hit between second and third you can bet your bippy Alex is going to at least attempt to make a play. This might be why his career fielding percentage is under the league average for shortstops--he doesn't know when to eat it. If Alex backhands a Juan Pierre grounder deep in the hole and Juan has already crossed first base, there's a good chance Alex will still throw the ball. And there's a good chance that ball will go over Joey Votto's head and five runners will score because Bronson Arroyo is pitching and only Bronson Arroyo can have an inning that bad.

Overall:
There's no denying Alex's sexiness. When he successfully makes that play in the hole against Juan Pierre, there is not much else to do but fall out of your chair with the giggles. And when he follows that next inning with a solo shot into the left field bleachers, there is not much else to do but die. But like with any sexy person, it's easy to get caught up in the image. Numbers don't lie.

STAT WATCH: Alex needs to stop swinging and missing. 4.9 ABs/SO is not good for a Punch-and-Judy hitter. If he can cut it to 7 ABs/SO we will observe a pleasant rise in his offensive numbers. It will be hard to watch a .250-hitting Alex get the nod ahead of Jeff Keppinger, who will hit at least .300 if healthy. If Alex can hit .285, which he's never done, I'll be happy. This is another way of saying I probably won't be happy. In this blogger's humble opinion, shortstop should be Keppinger's to lose.

Show Me the Money, '09!

The official propaganda machine of the Cincinnati Reds, reds.com, released an article recently with some updated salary figures for the 2009 season. Among them, some changes from last year...

• Francisco Cordero is taking everyone out to dinner as the highest paid Red at $12 mil, roughly $171,000/inning.
• Aaron Harang, coming off his worst Reds season, is rewarded with a few more millions. Why not!
• Brandon Phillips, fresh from laying a turd at home plate last season, will get nearly double with $4.75 million (gotta love that Gold Glove bonus!).
• Alex Gonzalez continues to kkkkkiiiiiillllllllllllllll us.
• Bronson Arroyo now almost makes $10 million a year, not including his JTM advertising monopoly which is rumored at hundreds of dollars.
• Matt Belisle still has not received his paychecks from the last four years of his service.

Scouting Report: Johnny Cueto

If a pitcher posts these numbers (174 IP, 9-14, 4.81 ERA), trade bait comes to mind. But when you're a 22-year-old rookie from the Dominican who averaged 8.18 SOs/9IP with a 96-mph fastball, you're probably safe for the time being. This is Johnny Cueto.

Johnny is one of a few Baby Reds, along with Edinson, Jay, Joey and Brandon, who will be unfairly asked to carry the load in 2009. He models his game after one Pedro Martinez, who is similar in body type, delivery, ethinicity, and who never backs down from a cockfight.

In 2007, Johnny went through the entire minor league gauntlet, earning his second consecutive Reds Minor League Pitcher of the Year award. Thanks to the failings of highly touted prospect Homer Bailey, who has yet to grow his set of testicles, Johnny nailed down a spot at the back end of the rotation with his major league debut performance on April 3, 2008, in a 7-inning, 1 ER, 10 SO performance against the Arizona Diamondbacks. Even though Johnny was brutalized in many following starts, the Reds stuck by him and were rewarded with some solid outings. He is still learning to be a pitcher and he relied too heavily on a fastball that was often placed waist high over the center of the plate. These baseballs often ended up in shrimp boat nets in the Gulf of Mexico, deposited from the Ohio into the Mississippi River.

As Johnny grows into a man and daydreams less and less in between innings about that one time he almost touched a girl's private parts behind the dance hall in San Pedro de Macoris, he will have the potential to become a 1 or 2 starter on a playoff team down the road. This of course will be on the team he is traded to after the Reds can't afford to offer him a major league contract.

STAT WATCH: Johnny will presumably be the fourth starter this year behind Volquez, Harang and Arroyo, which instantly makes him one of the best up-and-coming fourth starters in the bigs, if there is such a category. Steady improvement is what we want from Johnny. An ERA under 4.00 would be a major achievement for a 23-year-old. We also do not want Johnny to contract an STD or wear his arm down in the offseason participating in another sport, beisbol. We also do not want to discover that Johnny falsified his papers and is really 37.

R.I.P. Three-Headed Suck Monster

The Three-Headed Suck Monster, individually known as catchers David Ross, Paul Bako and Javier Valentin, brought a unique brand of suckery to the Reds. Because all three players were terrified of losing their job to the others, they made a pact; when given the opportunity to play, they would individually suck as much as possible, thereby giving the others a chance to play in the future. This created what is known in baseball as a suck cycle.

2008 Comprehensive Stat Line for the Three-Headed Suck Monster
562 ABs, .231 BA, 13 HRs, 66 RBIs, 153 SOs

Referring to Paul Bako as a hitter devalues the word. As a career .231/.305/.371 bat holder in 11 seasons with 10 teams, Paul, the middle head, has certainly redefined suck. He averages a home run every 99 ABs. To put that in perspective, Bronson Arroyo averages a home run every 67 ABs. Carlos Zambrano hits in circles around Paul. Even if Paul found his bat in old age, we would not be able to say he found his fountain of youth, because even in his youth, Paul was just awful. Defensively, Paul's thrown out 31% of base stealers in his career, which is slightly above average--so he's got that going for him.

David Ross, the head farthest left if facing the monster, was on track to become the Reds permanent catcher after a 2006 season that saw him hit .255/.353/.579 with 21 HRs and 52 RBIs in 247 ABs. David ironically followed this Dunn-like performance with a Bako-like 2007 in which he bat held .203/.271/.399 in 311 ABs. This lousy season made it easier for Bako and Javier Valentin to convince David he would be safer taking part in the 2008 suck cycle. David was potentially the most valuable of the Three-Headed Suck Monster in that he doubled as Bronson Arroyo's "personal catcher," which is apparently what they are calling it these days. David packed Bronson's lunches and spooned him in the locker room and told him everything was going to be okay after those starts in which Braxton Arroyo pitched in Bronson's place. Defensively, David's thrown out 38% of base stealers in his career, which is above average--so he's got that going for him.

Javier Valentin, the only Latin head of the monster, was a fan-favorite in Cincinnati because of his dirty moustache, barrel chest and lovable grin. As a career .251/.310/.402 hitter, Javier was regarded as the Reds pinch hit extraordinaire, a big bat on the bench that could tie the game with one swing of the bat. When Javier entered the game in clutch situations the stadium would swell with energy as he made his way to the plate. In 63 pinch hit ABs in 2008, Javier batted .174 with 1 HR...........but that one home run was really awesome! Defensively, it was amazing that the Reds let Javier start 17 games behind the plate last year. It was also amazing that only one person attempted to steal on Javier in those 17 games. This is amazing because in 2007, Javier threw out 11% of base stealers (5 out of 45), making Javier the only Latin catcher in the history of baseball who is not good at defense.

STAT WATCH: David Ross was reborn with the Atlanta Braves. Paul Bako was reborn with the Chicago Cubs. Javier Valentin is still unsigned in purgatory. Let's track the collective numbers of the former Three-Headed Suck Monster in 2009 and see if it outperforms newly-acquired 2003 All-Star Ramon Hernandez. This might be a surprisingly close race.

The Best Pitching Seasons of the Past *15 Years (Starters)

Jose Rijo takes the cake with this one. I cheated and stretched the list to 16 years to get him in. In 1993, Jose went nuts on National League batters, posting a 2.48 ERA and 227 SOs in 257 IP. But because Jose only went 14-9, he placed 5th in Cy Young voting behind four 20-game winners (in order, Greg Maddux-ATL, Bill Swift-SF, Tom Glavine-ATL and John Burkett-SF), even though Jose finished 2nd in ERA, 1st in SOs, 1st in SOs/9IP and 1st in games started. This is a dazzling example of the irrelevancy of a pitcher's Win-Loss record. Swift, Glavine and Burkett had excellent years, but they were surrounded by better players. Atlanta won 104. San Fran won 103. Cincinnati won 73. To the victor goes the spoils. Do I sound bitter?

Here are the next best individual seasons for a Reds starting pitcher since 1993...

	Player	Year	GS	IP	ERA	W-L	SO
2	E. Volquez	2008	33	196	3.21	17-6	206
3	B. Arroyo	2006	35	240.7	3.29	14-11	184
4	E.Dessens	2002	30	178	3.03	7-8	93
5	P. Harnisch	1998	32	209	3.14	14-7	157
6	J. Rijo	1994	26	172.3	3.08	9-6	171
7	P. Schourek	1995	29	190.3	3.22	18-7	160
8	A.Harang	2007	34	231.7	3.73	16-6	208
9	A.Harang	2006	36	234.3	3.76	16-11	216
10	P. Harnisch	1999	33	198.3	3.68	16-10	120

Some things to think about...
A.) Edinson's year made it a tad easier to let go of Josh Hamilton.
B.) Bronson can be really, really good, or so, so terrible.
C.) How do you post a 3.03 ERA in 30 games and go 7-8. Oh, I know--because you pitched during the Dark Ages in 2002 when our best offensive season came from Austin Kearns in limited action.
D.) Even in Aaron Harang's good years, he still flirted with a 4.00 ERA.
E.) The Reds have not had good pitching in a long time.

Scouting Report: Where do you start with Bronson Arroyo?

Here?


Or here?


Covering the Goo Goo Dolls?


Okay, this one is actually kinda funny...

Here is what we know...

He has flowing blonde locks that are occasionally altered into cornrows. Proceed with caution.

He is a certified man-whore.

He plays guitar and sings in the Bronson Arroyo Band. They cover Goo Goo Dolls, Matchbox 20, Staind and Oasis. Check out his myspace, seriously. And here's the other one.

Oh, and I almost forgot, he plays baseball.

In 2008, Bronson's 4.77 ERA was his highest ever for a full season (this would be considered a fantastic year for Matt Belisle). Even so, he still finished with a 15-11 record (his highest Win total with the Reds), which goes to show you that Wins and Losses are, for the most part, irrelevant. Now, I'm not a big proponent of making excuses or saying, "If you take out a few bad games here or there, he would have had a better year." Well, in Bronson's case, he would really love to have appoximately 6 innings erased from the 2008 season.

Date	IP	H	ER	Locker Room Tears
April 23, HOU	3.2	10	8	573
May 4, @ATL	1.1	7	7	887
Jun 24, @TOR	1	11	10	9,999
TOTAL	6	28	25	11,459

These are some severe outings, folks. That looks like the box score to a Sega RBI Baseball game. Jesus Christ Dusty, don't you know when it's time to pull the frickin cord (I don't know, maybe after 6 hits, 5 runs and 1 out). It wouldn't surprise me if Bronson's evil twin brother, Braxton, tied him up and took the mound. That blasted Braxton! If Bronson would have stopped him, thus preventing an additional 25 Earned Runs in 6 bloody innings, he would have finished with a respectable 3.76 ERA on the season (in your dreams Matt Belisle).

STAT WATCH: Bronson, since becoming a full-time starter in 2004, you've sported a 4.14 ERA. For the Reds to be successful, you need to at least keep it below 4.00 bro. Remember when you were an All-Star in 2006 and had a 3.29 ERA? Do that again.

Yankees ink Sabathia, Burnett, Teixiera; Reds nab Willy Tavares, Ramon Hernandez

In a stunning display of fortitude and strength, the Reds countered the Yankees signing barrage (C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, M.C. Teixiera) with a chess manuever of their own, signing CF Willy Taveras (career .283 BA/.331 OBP). Willy will have the undaunting task of replacing Corey Patterson, whose swing used only one arm.

If you are expecting power from Taveras, you will be slightly disappointed. He is the proud owner of 7 Home Runs and 109 RBIs.....In five f#%$# seasons. Oh, and he played at Coors Field in Colorado, and Enron Field in Houston, where Home Runs are the result of broken bats sawed off at the handle. Bronson Arroyo has a better Home Run average than Willy. Of course, he must make up for it with doubles and triples, right? In 1,973 career ABs, Willy has 60 doubles and 13 triples. Jose Reyes just about did that last season. Willy's slugging percentage last year was a ripe .296--1% higher than Bronson Arroyo.

So why is Willy in the league you ask. Well, it's because he can outrun a demotion to the farm. He led the NL with 68 steals last year, caught only seven times! Good God, that's fast, and even more jaw-dropping considering he was on base about 70 times. This is a classic Cincinnati gamble. The Reds are hoping Willy can repeat his incomplete 2007 campaign with Colorado (372 ABs, .320 BA, .367 OBP, .382 SLG) and not so much his 2008 campaign (479 ABs, .251 BA, .308 OBP, an Arroyo-like .296 SLG, and a World Series benching). The Reds front office will do a complimentary job of making Willy sound like Ricky Henderson for the next four months. This is a given.

The Reds also caused tsumani-like waves around the league when they traded Ryan Freel and some prospies to the Orioles for All-Star Catcher Ramon Hernandez. That's right--2003 All-Star Catcher Ramon Hernandez. That year, Ramon destroyed American League pitchers and finished the season with a scorching .273 BA, .331 OBP and .458 SLG. If that was an All-Star year for Ramon, he should have made the All-Star team at least five other times.

What's that I hear? Why, it's them gamblin' dice. Last year, Ramon's line closed with a 32-year-old-catcher-like .257 BA, .308 OBP, .402 SLG. Oh, I forgot to mention that he's really good at defense! Apparently he calls a good game! Yeah, Ramon! For the next four months, Ramon will be touted as the next Benito Santiago. This is a given.

Willy and Ramon, welcome. We apologize in advance, but hey, you're just glad to have a job.