R.I.P. Jeff Keppinger

Just after the trade, Kepp posed for his new team.

Yesterday the Reds traded Jeff Keppinger to Houston. Today, the Reds played Houston...and Jeff Keppinger. Let's just make this as uncomfortable as possible. At least Kepp wasn't hit by a pitch.

So yes, the Reds have parted ways with Jeff "Elmer Fudd" Keppinger, for the dreaded player to be named later, which is never good for the psyche--

Walt: Kepp, I'm sorry, but we've traded you to Houston.

Kepp: That's okay, I guess. I should get more playing time there. Say, just curious, who did you get for me? Micheal Bourn? Reggie Abercrombie? Christ, please don't say Geoff Blum. Anybody but Geoff Blum.

Walt: Well, technically, it is anybody at this point.

Kepp: I'm not sure what you mean.

Walt: We traded you for a player to be named later.

Kepp: Jesus Walt, why? (eyes welling)

Walt: At the moment, you are more valuable to our club by just not being here. It doesn't even matter who we get. Just not having you here is good enough. Don't tell Houston this, but I would have traded you for a discount hummer from that whore in their PR department, but they offered an unnamed minor leaguer and I thought what the hell.

It's pretty obvious that Kepp hasn't been the same player since fracturing his kneecap last year and the Reds were unwilling to wait any longer, especially with farm-raised youngsters Janish and Rosales gearing up to be the next Juan Castro for years to come. Okay, maybe just Janish.

I'm happy for Kepp, as I am for most players traded away from our organization. Houston needs all the help they can get. When (not if) this guy gets healthy, he will hit over .300 and never strike out, while displaying solid defense, as he has done at every level. Every time Kepp gets a hit against the Reds this year I will do a shot of vodka, and you can bet your ass I won't be able to stand up after each game.

R.I.P. Daryle Ward

This is the image that came up when I googled "Daryle Ward Cincinnati Reds." How fitting.

When you are as one-dimensional as Daryle Ward (left-handed pinch hitting power bat) you should probably be damn good if not downright fantastic at your one thing. Unfortunately, Daryle is just a notch above average at that one thing he does.

Ward was the first cut by the Reds this spring who's name might sound familiar to a mildly dedicated fan of another team. While there are other players performing worse than Daryle in camp, he was weeded early, inevitably to give him enough time to sign with another team before Opening Day and become that team's left-handed pinch hitting power bat. He only needs St. Louis and Milwaukee to complete the NL Central tour.

All other outfield/first base backups being considered for the Reds 25-man roster can play multiple positions well and should provide at least average firepower (Gomes, Nix, Jones). I had originally pegged Ward with a roster spot, but I've been wrong about predicting bench spots before (the 1995 Jimmy Reynolds incident comes to mind--I hate when that pick rears its ugly head). I don't feel bad for Daryle. At least management is being consistent. They're going young. Daryle is not young. He's 34, which is like 68 outside of baseball. Laynce Nix might be the beneficiary of this move, a younger guy who's been waiting for a chance. I say give it to him. Or better yet, Little Norris Hopper! Almost forgot about him. Oh, Norry, please make it, please. But wait, Jacque Jones is 34 too. I give up. Just close your eyes and pick someone, then start the season.

STAT WATCH: I foresee at least one late-inning Daryle Ward revenge homer against the Reds. This will most likely happen against David Weathers and an 87-mph fastball that was aimed at the outside corner but for some reason floated gently over the center of the plate.

R.I.P. Corey Patterson

"Baseball America

and USA Today

1st Team All-American,

1998."

Corey Patterson was not very good at all.

STAT WATCH: Corey signed with the AAA affiliate of the Washington Nationals organization, where Cincinnati Reds players go to officially die. He was invited to Spring Training and will win the center field job on Opening Day, hit 55 HRs and bat .340/.450/.680. Let's keep track of how much better Willy Taveras is than Corey. You certainly can't get much worse.

R.I.P. Three-Headed Suck Monster

The Three-Headed Suck Monster, individually known as catchers David Ross, Paul Bako and Javier Valentin, brought a unique brand of suckery to the Reds. Because all three players were terrified of losing their job to the others, they made a pact; when given the opportunity to play, they would individually suck as much as possible, thereby giving the others a chance to play in the future. This created what is known in baseball as a suck cycle.

2008 Comprehensive Stat Line for the Three-Headed Suck Monster
562 ABs, .231 BA, 13 HRs, 66 RBIs, 153 SOs

Referring to Paul Bako as a hitter devalues the word. As a career .231/.305/.371 bat holder in 11 seasons with 10 teams, Paul, the middle head, has certainly redefined suck. He averages a home run every 99 ABs. To put that in perspective, Bronson Arroyo averages a home run every 67 ABs. Carlos Zambrano hits in circles around Paul. Even if Paul found his bat in old age, we would not be able to say he found his fountain of youth, because even in his youth, Paul was just awful. Defensively, Paul's thrown out 31% of base stealers in his career, which is slightly above average--so he's got that going for him.

David Ross, the head farthest left if facing the monster, was on track to become the Reds permanent catcher after a 2006 season that saw him hit .255/.353/.579 with 21 HRs and 52 RBIs in 247 ABs. David ironically followed this Dunn-like performance with a Bako-like 2007 in which he bat held .203/.271/.399 in 311 ABs. This lousy season made it easier for Bako and Javier Valentin to convince David he would be safer taking part in the 2008 suck cycle. David was potentially the most valuable of the Three-Headed Suck Monster in that he doubled as Bronson Arroyo's "personal catcher," which is apparently what they are calling it these days. David packed Bronson's lunches and spooned him in the locker room and told him everything was going to be okay after those starts in which Braxton Arroyo pitched in Bronson's place. Defensively, David's thrown out 38% of base stealers in his career, which is above average--so he's got that going for him.

Javier Valentin, the only Latin head of the monster, was a fan-favorite in Cincinnati because of his dirty moustache, barrel chest and lovable grin. As a career .251/.310/.402 hitter, Javier was regarded as the Reds pinch hit extraordinaire, a big bat on the bench that could tie the game with one swing of the bat. When Javier entered the game in clutch situations the stadium would swell with energy as he made his way to the plate. In 63 pinch hit ABs in 2008, Javier batted .174 with 1 HR...........but that one home run was really awesome! Defensively, it was amazing that the Reds let Javier start 17 games behind the plate last year. It was also amazing that only one person attempted to steal on Javier in those 17 games. This is amazing because in 2007, Javier threw out 11% of base stealers (5 out of 45), making Javier the only Latin catcher in the history of baseball who is not good at defense.

STAT WATCH: David Ross was reborn with the Atlanta Braves. Paul Bako was reborn with the Chicago Cubs. Javier Valentin is still unsigned in purgatory. Let's track the collective numbers of the former Three-Headed Suck Monster in 2009 and see if it outperforms newly-acquired 2003 All-Star Ramon Hernandez. This might be a surprisingly close race.

R.I.P. Gary "Keep an Eye on the Kids" Majewski

Gary in 20 years







Gary Majewski

(2006-2008)

Let's be honest,

Gary looked right at home

on the Ohio River,

or any river

for that matter.

During Bullpen Meltdown '06, the Reds traded beloved Austin Kearns and sex symbol Felipe Lopez to the Nationals for much needed relief (too good a pun?). It came in the form of Bill Bray and Gary Majewski, two poor young men who had know idea what kind of firestorm they were being thrown into. Bill battled through some arm trouble and finally settled nicely into the Reds 2008 bullpen. The same, however, can not be said for Gary, part-time coon hunter, who turned into possibly the worst pitcher in the history of baseball.

Health was always the question with Gary. After the Reds traded for him, there was controversy surrounding unreported cortisone shots he'd recieved for arm pain shortly before the trade. The Nationals, led by ex-Reds GM Jim Bowden, thought it better not to tell the Reds about this (the Reds filed a greivance claim in 2007). For the better part of the next two years Gary probably had no feeling in his arm, which would explain his 7.39 ERA as a Red. The only person who would want me to continue listing Gary's horrifying numbers is Matt Belisle.

STAT WATCH: Now that Gary is no longer a Red, he will be able to heal his arm correctly and win Comeback Player of the Year with the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies. Before his Reds stint, Gary was a solid healthy reliever with a career 3.28 ERA. Let's hope he never achieves this ever again.

R.I.P: Matt "It's Ba-Lie-Yul, not Be-Liz-Lee" Belisle

Matt Belisle

(2003-2008)

There's no getting

around the fact that

Matt was an

odd-looking person.

Was he a reliever? Was he a starter? Was he half-horse? We'll never really know what Matt Belisle was. What we do know is that Matt was not a very good pitcher. This was evident in 2004 when Matt pitched the entire year in the Reds AAA system and went 9-11 with a 5.26 ERA in 28 starts. After the season, the order was for Matt to pack his bags and go home, but in a catastrophic mix-up, the AAA coach accidentally crossed the message and told Matt he was being promoted to the big leagues. After the dust settled, no one in Reds management had the heart to tell Matt the truth, so they let him dress in uniform and pitch once in a while. The rest is history: 4 seasons, 341 Innings, a career 5.06 ERA, a back injury, and 6 poorly edited Youtube videos (4 of which show him getting pulverized).

Matt was released by the Reds this offseason after explaining to Walk Jocketty that he hadn't recieved a paycheck in four years. Walt directed him to the payroll department, then released him twenty minutes later.

R.I.P: Ryan “Crazy Asshole” Freel

Ryan "Crazy Asshole" Freel (2003-2008) was an energetic young man who carved a niche for himself in Cincinnati the old-fashioned Charlie Hustle way. Without the possession of a natural skill set, Freel found his way into the line-up by running all the way to first base on routine ground balls and diving into the stands for balls clearly out of glove's reach, often times inflicting tremendous pain upon innocent fans. Crazy Asshole accidentally manslaughtered a handful of old ladies and babies over the years using the momentous force of his hardened skull with a 270-ft. running start. Those fans who were not murdered absolutely loved it. Freel was a super-utility man, filling in at second base, third base and all three outfield positions. Because of this, no fan was ever safe.

When he wasn't injured or resting his skull, Crazy Asshole was a fairly-productive player. He knew how to get on base (career .357 OBP), something that many current Reds have trouble with (.321 OBP team avg. in 2008). And while I believe OBP is an extremely valuable statistic, and therefore am still a supporter of Adam Dunn (career .381 OBP--startling when considering his lifetime .243 BA), Reds management thinks otherwise. They like players with low OBP (see post below).

STAT WATCH: Let's see who has the better 2009 on an at-bat basis, Ryan Freel or newly-acquired Willy Taveras. This would certainly be the year that Freel decides to hit .330, smack 25 dongs and drive in 100.