Welcome: Darryl Ward and Jacque Jones (and still not Bobby Abreu)

Playing time for Chris Dickerson/Jerry Hairston Jr./Jonny Gomes just got a bit tighter with the recent signings of veterans Darryl Ward and Jacque Jones to minor league contracts (and for those wondering, the text layered over the profile pics was done through a new computer software called Microsoft Paint, where you can graffiti over the top of image files).

While there is no guarantee that either will make the Opening Day roster, Ward will mostly likely fill the tubby void left by Javier Valentin, formerly of the Three-Headed Suck Monster. Ward, who has seen time at first base and in the outfield in 11 seasons, is primarily a pinch hitter, which is a fancy way of saying Darryl isn't good enough to play defense and shouldn't be allowed to have 3-4 ABs a game. It's always hard to judge a pinch hitter's numbers because the sample size is miniscule and they are forever swinging cold, so a career .263/.320/.447 could be worse (see Javier Valentin). Darryl is aware of the enemy. He's played with Chicago, Houston and Pittsburgh.

When the Reds signed Jonny Gomes to a minor league contract a few weeks ago, fans were generally accepting of this move, mostly because it served as outfield insurance if Chris Dickerson didn't develop/Jerry Hairston Jr. returned to his normal self/Lance Nix played to expectations and sucked. Now with Jones competing for an outfield spot, the annual revolving door in the grass that Reds fans have become accustomed to is now complete (see 2008--Griffey, Dunn, Patterson, Hopper, Bruce, Freel, Hairston, Dickerson). Jones, in his 11th season, owns three worthy seasons (2002, 2003 and 2006).

There are those who will say, "The more players we have competing for the outfield job, the better." I disagree. This is only putting added pressure on Chris Dickerson. As soon as he slumps, they're going to replace him and I'm not sure this is a good thing. If there are too many players trying out in left, we'll never have any consistency in the order. Man, I sure wouldn't mind having Bobby Abreu for a year around $3 million. With Abreu, we possibly make a run at the Wild Card.

Welcome: Jonny "I Will Beat the Living Shit Out of You" Gomes

The Reds have just signed RF Jonny Gomes, who will beat the living shit out of you, to a minor league contract and invited him to Spring Training. Jonny, a licensed physical therapist and survivor of a heart attack in 2002, will compete for a reserve role with the big team. He is a career .235/.329/.455 hitter in six injury-plagued seasons with the Rays. Jonny is one of those players that is too good a hitter for AAA but isn't consistent in the majors. He will, however, beat the living shit out of you if you cross him or his teammates.

For less than a million dollars, Jonny will be a good fit for the Reds. Assuming he is called up or makes the team, he gives the Reds a power bat off the bench, a Javier Valentin of sorts, but who can actually be considered a home run hitter. Even though he won't get many innings, Jonny will still bring much needed shit-beating ability to a team whose players would much rather watch Bridget Jones's Diary than Natural Born Killers.

STAT WATCH: We won't ask Jonny for much this year. How about 3 late-inning pinch hit dingers and 3 haymakers to any player in the NL Central (bonus points for Carlos Zambrano or Prince Fielder).

R.I.P. Three-Headed Suck Monster

The Three-Headed Suck Monster, individually known as catchers David Ross, Paul Bako and Javier Valentin, brought a unique brand of suckery to the Reds. Because all three players were terrified of losing their job to the others, they made a pact; when given the opportunity to play, they would individually suck as much as possible, thereby giving the others a chance to play in the future. This created what is known in baseball as a suck cycle.

2008 Comprehensive Stat Line for the Three-Headed Suck Monster
562 ABs, .231 BA, 13 HRs, 66 RBIs, 153 SOs

Referring to Paul Bako as a hitter devalues the word. As a career .231/.305/.371 bat holder in 11 seasons with 10 teams, Paul, the middle head, has certainly redefined suck. He averages a home run every 99 ABs. To put that in perspective, Bronson Arroyo averages a home run every 67 ABs. Carlos Zambrano hits in circles around Paul. Even if Paul found his bat in old age, we would not be able to say he found his fountain of youth, because even in his youth, Paul was just awful. Defensively, Paul's thrown out 31% of base stealers in his career, which is slightly above average--so he's got that going for him.

David Ross, the head farthest left if facing the monster, was on track to become the Reds permanent catcher after a 2006 season that saw him hit .255/.353/.579 with 21 HRs and 52 RBIs in 247 ABs. David ironically followed this Dunn-like performance with a Bako-like 2007 in which he bat held .203/.271/.399 in 311 ABs. This lousy season made it easier for Bako and Javier Valentin to convince David he would be safer taking part in the 2008 suck cycle. David was potentially the most valuable of the Three-Headed Suck Monster in that he doubled as Bronson Arroyo's "personal catcher," which is apparently what they are calling it these days. David packed Bronson's lunches and spooned him in the locker room and told him everything was going to be okay after those starts in which Braxton Arroyo pitched in Bronson's place. Defensively, David's thrown out 38% of base stealers in his career, which is above average--so he's got that going for him.

Javier Valentin, the only Latin head of the monster, was a fan-favorite in Cincinnati because of his dirty moustache, barrel chest and lovable grin. As a career .251/.310/.402 hitter, Javier was regarded as the Reds pinch hit extraordinaire, a big bat on the bench that could tie the game with one swing of the bat. When Javier entered the game in clutch situations the stadium would swell with energy as he made his way to the plate. In 63 pinch hit ABs in 2008, Javier batted .174 with 1 HR...........but that one home run was really awesome! Defensively, it was amazing that the Reds let Javier start 17 games behind the plate last year. It was also amazing that only one person attempted to steal on Javier in those 17 games. This is amazing because in 2007, Javier threw out 11% of base stealers (5 out of 45), making Javier the only Latin catcher in the history of baseball who is not good at defense.

STAT WATCH: David Ross was reborn with the Atlanta Braves. Paul Bako was reborn with the Chicago Cubs. Javier Valentin is still unsigned in purgatory. Let's track the collective numbers of the former Three-Headed Suck Monster in 2009 and see if it outperforms newly-acquired 2003 All-Star Ramon Hernandez. This might be a surprisingly close race.