Welcome: Darryl Ward and Jacque Jones (and still not Bobby Abreu)

Playing time for Chris Dickerson/Jerry Hairston Jr./Jonny Gomes just got a bit tighter with the recent signings of veterans Darryl Ward and Jacque Jones to minor league contracts (and for those wondering, the text layered over the profile pics was done through a new computer software called Microsoft Paint, where you can graffiti over the top of image files).

While there is no guarantee that either will make the Opening Day roster, Ward will mostly likely fill the tubby void left by Javier Valentin, formerly of the Three-Headed Suck Monster. Ward, who has seen time at first base and in the outfield in 11 seasons, is primarily a pinch hitter, which is a fancy way of saying Darryl isn't good enough to play defense and shouldn't be allowed to have 3-4 ABs a game. It's always hard to judge a pinch hitter's numbers because the sample size is miniscule and they are forever swinging cold, so a career .263/.320/.447 could be worse (see Javier Valentin). Darryl is aware of the enemy. He's played with Chicago, Houston and Pittsburgh.

When the Reds signed Jonny Gomes to a minor league contract a few weeks ago, fans were generally accepting of this move, mostly because it served as outfield insurance if Chris Dickerson didn't develop/Jerry Hairston Jr. returned to his normal self/Lance Nix played to expectations and sucked. Now with Jones competing for an outfield spot, the annual revolving door in the grass that Reds fans have become accustomed to is now complete (see 2008--Griffey, Dunn, Patterson, Hopper, Bruce, Freel, Hairston, Dickerson). Jones, in his 11th season, owns three worthy seasons (2002, 2003 and 2006).

There are those who will say, "The more players we have competing for the outfield job, the better." I disagree. This is only putting added pressure on Chris Dickerson. As soon as he slumps, they're going to replace him and I'm not sure this is a good thing. If there are too many players trying out in left, we'll never have any consistency in the order. Man, I sure wouldn't mind having Bobby Abreu for a year around $3 million. With Abreu, we possibly make a run at the Wild Card.

Welcome: Jonny "I Will Beat the Living Shit Out of You" Gomes

The Reds have just signed RF Jonny Gomes, who will beat the living shit out of you, to a minor league contract and invited him to Spring Training. Jonny, a licensed physical therapist and survivor of a heart attack in 2002, will compete for a reserve role with the big team. He is a career .235/.329/.455 hitter in six injury-plagued seasons with the Rays. Jonny is one of those players that is too good a hitter for AAA but isn't consistent in the majors. He will, however, beat the living shit out of you if you cross him or his teammates.

For less than a million dollars, Jonny will be a good fit for the Reds. Assuming he is called up or makes the team, he gives the Reds a power bat off the bench, a Javier Valentin of sorts, but who can actually be considered a home run hitter. Even though he won't get many innings, Jonny will still bring much needed shit-beating ability to a team whose players would much rather watch Bridget Jones's Diary than Natural Born Killers.

STAT WATCH: We won't ask Jonny for much this year. How about 3 late-inning pinch hit dingers and 3 haymakers to any player in the NL Central (bonus points for Carlos Zambrano or Prince Fielder).

Welcome: Arthur "Bling Bling" Rhodes

This will be Arthur Rhodes 18th season. He is 39. He had Tommy John surgery in 2007. He's played with Baltimore, Seattle, Oakland, Cleveland, Philadelphia, Seattle again, and Florida. As a set-up man, he has wisened through the years. In his first ten seasons, he averaged a 4.80 ERA. How he remained in the league, I'm not sure (the answer is expansion). On the eve of the 2001 season, however, Arthur most likely received a phone call from an anonymous deep-voiced Mariner fanatic who threatened the safety of his family if Arthur didn't elevate his game. Since that probable phone call, he has averaged a squeaky clean 3.02 ERA.

Arthur is the reason why baseball players are no longer allowed to wear pretty earrings. During a 2001 game against the insufferable Cleveland Indians, Arthur was ordered to remove his diamond stud earrings at the request of sissypants #1 Omar Vizquel, who complained to umpire Tim McClellan that the earrings were hurting his eyes and he couldn't see the ball. The earrings were ejected, followed by Arthur. "Distracting jewelry" was banned a short time after. It is noted that in 32 Plate Appearances against Arthur, Omar has a .111 BA (3 hits). Hmmmm.

Bling Bling follows in the footsteps of other dinosaur Reds relievers salvaged from the scrapheap (David Weathers, Mike Stanton, Kent Mercker, Rheal Cormier), although he does have one glaring difference. He looks meaner than shit.

STAT WATCH: If Bling Bling can pitch like he's pitched for the past seven years and doesn't have a heart attack, he will make a positive contribution to the club in 2009. Let's shoot for a 3.50 ERA Arthur.

Yankees ink Sabathia, Burnett, Teixiera; Reds nab Willy Tavares, Ramon Hernandez

In a stunning display of fortitude and strength, the Reds countered the Yankees signing barrage (C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, M.C. Teixiera) with a chess manuever of their own, signing CF Willy Taveras (career .283 BA/.331 OBP). Willy will have the undaunting task of replacing Corey Patterson, whose swing used only one arm.

If you are expecting power from Taveras, you will be slightly disappointed. He is the proud owner of 7 Home Runs and 109 RBIs.....In five f#%$# seasons. Oh, and he played at Coors Field in Colorado, and Enron Field in Houston, where Home Runs are the result of broken bats sawed off at the handle. Bronson Arroyo has a better Home Run average than Willy. Of course, he must make up for it with doubles and triples, right? In 1,973 career ABs, Willy has 60 doubles and 13 triples. Jose Reyes just about did that last season. Willy's slugging percentage last year was a ripe .296--1% higher than Bronson Arroyo.

So why is Willy in the league you ask. Well, it's because he can outrun a demotion to the farm. He led the NL with 68 steals last year, caught only seven times! Good God, that's fast, and even more jaw-dropping considering he was on base about 70 times. This is a classic Cincinnati gamble. The Reds are hoping Willy can repeat his incomplete 2007 campaign with Colorado (372 ABs, .320 BA, .367 OBP, .382 SLG) and not so much his 2008 campaign (479 ABs, .251 BA, .308 OBP, an Arroyo-like .296 SLG, and a World Series benching). The Reds front office will do a complimentary job of making Willy sound like Ricky Henderson for the next four months. This is a given.

The Reds also caused tsumani-like waves around the league when they traded Ryan Freel and some prospies to the Orioles for All-Star Catcher Ramon Hernandez. That's right--2003 All-Star Catcher Ramon Hernandez. That year, Ramon destroyed American League pitchers and finished the season with a scorching .273 BA, .331 OBP and .458 SLG. If that was an All-Star year for Ramon, he should have made the All-Star team at least five other times.

What's that I hear? Why, it's them gamblin' dice. Last year, Ramon's line closed with a 32-year-old-catcher-like .257 BA, .308 OBP, .402 SLG. Oh, I forgot to mention that he's really good at defense! Apparently he calls a good game! Yeah, Ramon! For the next four months, Ramon will be touted as the next Benito Santiago. This is a given.

Willy and Ramon, welcome. We apologize in advance, but hey, you're just glad to have a job.