Game 14: I honestly thought I'd last longer than this

Reds 3, Cubs 0

Johnny, Jay and Joey were as advertised tonight.

I'm going to stop doing game recaps from here on out. I'm only one man. So, only look for SERIES RECAPS!!! and the spot observation post. Please keep reading. That means you mom and dad, and a few relatives.

Game 13: Brandon Phillips might never get a hit again

It's not a snake, dumbass

Cubs 7, Reds 2

*I couldn't catch most of the game tonight. I worked late at the information desk of a library in Idaho (there has to be a joke in there somewhere) so my good friend Drew aka DBeezy back in the Eastern Time Zone pitched in and took game notes for me. I've mashed our comments together to create one fantastic coast-to-coast superpost.

Micah Owings: 4.2 IP, 5 H, 2 ER, 4 BB, 3 K. It would have helped if Micah wasn't abandoned by the defense (Dickerson, Encarnacion). Pitching at Wrigley against the Cubs in limb-numbing temps never helps either. At the plate, Babe Ru...Micah struck out twice.

Jay Bruce: Laser-pulled his second home run of the year in the blink of an eye and later drove in the only other Reds run with a single. That hand must be feeling better. Sh-sha.

Joey Votto: Yeah stolen base...even though you were clearly tagged out. We must have brought the umpires from the Houston series along.

Cleanup Hitters: Micah Hoffpauir and Brandon Phillips batted cleanup for the Cubs and Reds respectively. Are these the worst two cleanup hitters in baseball? The name Hoffpauir will never look right and BP is batting .158. Just as I was getting ready to ask myself "Who the hell is Micah Hoffpauir?" he smacked a solo home run over the bleachers and out of the park. Our cleanup guy went 0-4 again.

The Reds Text Poll: ...in the 2nd inning asked viewers if the Cubs (with ownership changing) should keep Wrigley or build a new stadium a la the new parks in the Big Apple. The new stadium was voted down at a 2-1 clip. I wonder if the voters changed their mind when one of the hundred stray cats that makes its home somewhere at Wrigley ran onto the field in the top of the 4th. Play was stopped so a Cubs employee could grab the cat, have the cat claw its way free, then pick up the cat by its tail and throw it into the stands. One fan hoping for a foul ball got a spotted cat instead.


The Groundskeeper: If you are ever unlucky enough to be in this situation, here is a picture of how not to catch a cat.












Jared Burton: Appears to have been relegated to garbage-time status for the moment. Entered the game with the Reds down five and pitched two semi-encouraging innings. Hey, someone's gotta do it, although, Jared is looking more and more like an actual garbage man with that awesome chin strap beard he's working on.

Mike Lincoln: ...is turning into quite the marksman. Plunked two batters in two-thirds of an inning. I think we all know what comes next...everybody say it together with your hand on your hip and shaking your head...ready...here we go, "Mike, were you high again?"

Quote of the Game: Chris Welsh made three alcoholic references in the first three innings before Grande called him out.

Chris Welsh Word of the Game: murderize (spelled murderise in Commonwealth countries) --pronounced: mur-dur-eyes
--used in a sentence: "Aramis Ramirez just murderized Daniel Ray Herrera's offering."
--origin: Windy City, early 21st century

When your pitchers yield seven walks and hit two batters and your offense musters only six hits, chances are you're not going to win, although I could have given you an idea of the outcome when I saw Harden v. Owings as the probables. We really need to air the bats out on Ted Lilly tomorrow--get a little Lillification going on--you know what I'm talkin' about.

Game 12: I now know that Mike Hampton has been on the DL 12 times

Reds 4, Astros 3

Bronson Arroyo: 7 IP, 9 H, 3 ER, 2 K, 0 BB. Bronson only needed 81 pitches (53 strikes) to get through seven innings against the Astros (Johnny, Edinson, are you listening?). He kept hitters off balance with his bloopy junk (compliment) and challenged them to put it in play. Bronson is now 3-0 on the young season. Much thanks to Mr. Votto for this one. Bronson also laid down two sac bunts and made a fantastic shoelace reaction grab on a burner up the middle to start a sexy DP. My only gripe--when Bronson gets coasting, he falls asleep and starts grooving pitches. Lance Berkman and Carlos Lee took advantage of this tonight.

Joey Votto: Attention Brandon Phillips, Alex Gonzalez and Ramon Hernandez. Because all of you are excellent at getting down 0-2 in the blink of an eye, maybe you should study the two-strike Votto approach. Shorten your swing and expand your strike zone. Votto shot a two-strike pitch on the outside corner into left field for a single in the first inning, and later, in the seventh with a two-strike count, missed a grand slam by about three feet, settling instead for a go-ahead 2-run double.

Quote of the Game: Is George Grande the president of the Mike Hampton fan club, because I think I listened to Hampton-blabber for about two-thirds of the broadcast. George only mentioned that Hampton had been on the DL 12 times in his career about every other pitch. And that only got Chris Welsh all horny for some Hampton.

Grande on Geoff Blum: "One of the more valuable players on this Astros roster, and one of the more underrated in the league." Geoff is a career .251 hitter with a .699 OPS. Oh right, he plays good defense. (insert scoff)

Willy Taveras: 2-5. 2 runs. Willy should have 30 stolen bases by now, not 3.

Edwin Encarnacion: Admit it, he's looked real solid at third this year. 2-4 today with a couple huge RBIs on a first inning single to get us off and running.

Darnell McDonald: What a catch at the wall in right. And a hit. And a walk. Yeah for you!

Brandon "Old Man" Phillips: 0 for his last 20-something. As observed by a commenter on Redszone, why does it take him 5 seconds to complete a swing? He seems unable (or unwilling) to make adjustments. He applied another "phantom tag" to a stealing Pudge Rodriguez off a great Hanigan throw. I'm not sure what was funnier, another phantom tag by Phillips, or Pudge trying to steal.

Ryan Hanigan: Every time I watch him play, Ramon Hernandez becomes more expendable (at least more platoonable).

Paul "Silent J" Janish: Every time I watch him play, Alex Gonzalez becomes more expendable (much, much more platoonable).

Bad cameraman, bad!: When Hunter Pence hit a towering fly to left field, my intial reaction was, "I can't believe he's going to be rewarded with a home run for that weak shit at Minute Maid Park, where the left field home run porch seemingly sits about 250 feet out." The cameraman aimed his device on the home run porch and waited for a cluster of fans to rise and grasp the air, but the moment never came. By the time the cameraman found the ball, Jerry Hairston was running towards the infield and had flipped it into the stands.

Miguel Tejada: What is he now, 27?

Chris Dickerson: 12-pitch pinch hit walk in the eighth. Yes sir.

Jerry "I run into walls for no good reason" Hairston Jr.: Ran into the home run porch wall for no damn reason other than he loves getting hurt. My girlfriend, who does not watch baseball, remarked, "It [the ball] wasn't anywhere near where he jumped." I had no logical explanation.

Arthur Rhodes: I did not like that he worked the bases full, but it was all worth it for that last pitch. The best pitch of Arthur's career (...that I've seen, and I've only seen about .00000004% of them).

A solid outing from a Reds starter, tight defense, a couple clutch hits, and there you have it. It's Cubby-crushin' time.

Game 11: Micah Owings makes entire lineup feel futile

Reds 4, Astros 2

Edinson Volquez: 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 5 BB, 7 K. Edinson Volquez is not being true to himself. He is not trusting his fastball. He's pitching backwards, leading with the offspeed stuff. He seems timid to challenge. When he misses the plate, HE MISSES THE PLATE--not even close. And yet, he somehow pitched his way out of every jam (there were a lot of them).

Willy Taveras: 1-2, BB, HBP. On base 3 of 4 times. It's too bad we don't know how to bring him around. I have no idea why he didn't take second in the top of the fifth with two outs, down one run. Dickerson took a couple pitches and grounded out to second to end the inning. I'm starting to think that Willy doesn't have the green light. I'm also starting to think that Willy should have the green light. Also, Willy made a spectacular, and I'll say it again, spectacular diving catch in left center to rob Bourn of extra bases. Truly a full-extension Superman grab.

Joey Votto: Up until today, he has looked solid defensively. Today was different. On the second play of the game he fielded a soft grounder and underhanded it behind a running/covering Volquez who, preoccupied with finding first base with his foot, reached back and just missed the ball off the edge of his glove. Both Marty and Brantley lambasted Edinson for poor fundamentals, but trust me, the throw was much worse. It was three days behind him and would have taken a contorted miracle. Edinson was charged with the error but I'm sure Joey would have gladly taken it. Also, in the bottom of the seventh, Votto bobbled a routine grounder near the bag. Arthur Rhodes, didn't cover the bag assuming Votto would cleanly make the play and scamper four steps to the bag. Once Votto picked up the ball after the bobble, the race was on for the bag, three players converging. Votto flipped it at the last moment to Rhodes to no avail. It just looked bad for both of them. Throw an 0-4 day on top of that with a bases loaded, 3-0 count double play groundout and Joey is probably anxious to get back out there tomorrow. Winning does soothe the pain though.

Quotes of the Game: Marty and Jeff bantering about exercise. Marty says, "I got two-and-a-half miles of walking in this morning before you even fluttered your eyes." Says Brantley, "I don't doubt that."

Jeff Brantley on Aflac trivia questions. "I think they're all conspiracies if you ask me. Trickvia, not trivia."

Marty on the Reds offense, or lack thereof, after Phillips grounds into a DP to end the first inning. "This club can simply not generate any offense, and they're getting killed by the number four spot in the order."

Brandon Phillips: What Marty said.

Pinch hitters: Jerry Hairston pinch hits in the seventh for Laynce Nix--he walks. Three batters later, Micah Owings pinch hits for Volquez and gives the Reds the lead with a 2-run double off the left center wall. Darnell McDonald pinch hits for Stormy Weathers in the ninth and smokes a 1-out triple to right center and scores on a Willy sacrifice to center. Our pinch hitters are now 7-14 on the season.

Micah Owings: Yes.

Reds pitchers: Don't they love to get people on base before they start trying. It's like they need the added pressure to step up.

Lance Berkman: The man who would lead the balloting in the Reds Killer Hall of Fame almost decapitated Carlos Lee in the on-deck circle after letting go of his bat in the backswing. The bat flew past Lee's head and he dropped to the ground and shook the stadium. From the batter's box, Berkman exchanged an embarrassing smile with the bottomed Lee.

Bitterness: With one out and the bases chucked with Astros in the fifth, Geoff Blum grounded to Brandon Phillips at second who daftly tagged out Hunter Pence running to second, and in the same motion, fired the ball to first to nail Blum by a step. Inning over. Replays indicated that Phillips missed the tag on Pence by about two feet, with the umpire shielded by Pence. At the time, The Astros were up 1-0 and the Astros announcer was adament about not letting bad calls affect a team. Paraphrasing--"They're just part of the game. You have to move on and forget about them." Well, after the Reds usurped the lead in the seventh, that same announcer only mentioned the botched call, which he dubbed "the phantom double play" about ten times up until the final out.

Laynce Nix: Put two good swings on the ball today with Jay Bruce still out with a minor hand boo-boo.

The Truth: I realize that good teams find a way to win ugly games, and these last few have certainly been that, but I get the sensation that if we play like this against the Cards and Cubbies we are going to get our asses kicked. Looking at the box scores, I am astonished that we are 6-5.

Game 10: Is there a worse feeling than getting 2-hit by the Astros?

Astros 7, Reds 0

Aaron Harang: 6 IP, 10 H, 5 ER, 1 BB, 6 K, a jar of gypsy tears. His control was modestly good but the Astros just bopped him around the park. There were no homers which is a welcoming sign to Harang, who led the league in gopher balls surrendered last year. It was one of those games where the ball magically found the hole after being put in play, every time.

The Reds offense: 2 hits--Jerry Jr. and Joey. 3 walks--Edwin, Brandon and Ramon. That's all she wrote.

Jared Burton: 1 IP, 2 ER. At least he isn't Chien-Ming Wang or Anthony Claggett of the Yankees. They let Cleveland get 14 runs in one inning yesterday, a major league record. No, I am not kidding. This is a fun box score. You have to feel sorry for the Indians who didn't get in yesterday.

This one doesn't deserve a game wrap. The Astros cheated all game.

Game 9: Ramon Hernandez officially becomes a Red

Reds 2, Astros 1

Johnny Cueto: 4.2 IP, 2 H, 1 ER, 3 K. Wow, that's a solid line, but why only 4.2 innings pitched? Oh wait, I forgot to mention the 6 walks. Why are our Dominicans not throwing strikes? Johnny threw 46 strikes in 88 pitches tonight. Granted, umpire Joe West has a strike zone the size of an apricot, but when you are walking Roy Oswalt something needs fixin'.

Ramon Hernandez: I don't think anybody saw this one coming, but then again, when you're playing at the shoebox that is Minute Maid Park, anything can happen. A go-ahead homer in the top of the ninth to give the Reds a win. That's what I'm talkin' about boy. On the pitch before the homer, Ramon got pissed at a called strike off the outside corner of the plate. He exchanged some words with Joe West, probably something like, "Are you out of you're f**king mind. You haven't called that pitch the entire game," to which West probably responded, "I don't care, I'm drunk." Anyway, I knew Hernandez was going to take his aggression out on the next pitch, and just as I suspected, he sat on a fastball and deposited it just over the right field fence (I mean, that thing snuck over the wall).

Willy Taveras: 0-3 and a walk, but on the three outs he made he was out by a combined total of 1.5 steps. He was robbed on one hit up the middle by Roy Oswalt, who deflected the ball of his arse to third basement Geoff Blum, who promptly fired to first to get Willy. He was also gunned down going first to third on a seeing-eye Votto single to Pence in right field. Thing is though, he was safe. The ump butchered the call--a classic case of the ball beating the runner and the runner avoiding the tag. Willy also made a beautiful over-the-shoulder catch in center at about 395 ft.

Alex Gonzalez: Why does he swing so hard? He has a bad case of Phillips Syndrome. He thinks he's a power hitter. Alex dove and knocked down a ball at short but didn't pick it cleanly, and after an acrobatic throw from his back, the runner was safe by about three steps. It was a very good effort. When the camera cut back to Alex, he was cussing at his glove and definitely said, "Fuck you, you piece of shit." I'd say Alex needs to visit a hookah bar.

Johnny Cueto, sloppy bastard: After Johnny was yanked and he trotted back to the dugout, he let a huge wad of gum fall out of his mouth. He didn't spit it out. He didn't blow it out. He just kind of let it fall out. And if that wasn't enough, the young lad then bucked the wad up into the air with his glove. Richard Pole needs to teach this young man some manners.

The bullpen: 4.1 IP, 2 H (both off Cordero), 1 BB. Stellar.

Chris Dickerson: Quiet game for him, but you have to love how this kid doesn't take anything for granted. He grounded out to first twice and made Lance Berkman sprint to the base to get the out. 110% mentality.

Quote of the Game: I was forced by mlb.tv to listen to the Astros broadcast. There is nothing funny or backwards to report. They were really professional and accurate. How disappointing is that?

Roy Oswalt: They referred to him as "The Wizard" all game. Was I the only one who wasn't aware of this? The Wizard of "Os". The lamest nickname in baseball. Although, any nickname for Roy Oswalt would probably be the lamest. The guy just has an inescapable lameness factor.

This was a tough game for me to watch. As much as I hate to admit it, Roy Oswalt is on my fantasy baseball team and at certain points in the game I just wasn't sure who to root for. In the end Roy didn't get me a win, but you know what--the Reds did and I guess I'm okay with that. I'm glad that Ramon contributed directly. He needed that.

Game 8: Mike Cameron steals our lunch money, and our sweep

Brewers 9, Reds 3

Micah Owings: 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 H, 2 BB, 2 K. A really unimpressive start for the Spring Training winner of the coveted fifth starter spot. People are expecting a solid contribution from Owings this year, and from the fifth spot in general. It's not that he looked terrible. He just didn't look very good. His fastball clocked in around 90 but on TV it looked like it was coming in at about 78 with zero movement. He threw only 47 strikes in 89 pitches--gross. He did however provide for the most humorous moment in the game while he was batting. On his strikeout swing, he let go of his bat and it sailed about ten rows deep. The cameras panned into the crowd as the inning ended and showed three fans, each with a grip of death on the bat. One fan let go, leaving two to fight it out. Neither let go. They exchanged words. There was much frowning and head shaking. And finally, one let go with a sharp push to the bat as if to say, "fine, take it ya jerk." Cut to commercial. That about sums up Milwaukee to me.

Willy Taveras: On base 3 of 4 times. 2 singles and got plunked. Scored on Dickerson's homer. Has a .462 OBP this young season. Good sign. And who doesn't love the name Willy?

Chris Dickerson: You would have been unsuccessful in trying to wipe the grin off Dickerson's face after he dropped the barrel and turned on an inside fastball from Looper, driving it over the left field wall. You would have been unsuccessful in trying to wipe the grin off my face as well. At the moment, it tied the game at 3. Things didn't go so well after that.

Do you know who is good?: Joey Votto. Faithful reader Matt F., who doubles as my cousin, brought up the fact that Joey is on pace for 203 RBIs. Something tells me he'll sleepwalk to half that number, especially if Taveras, Dickerson and Hairston keep working pitchers like it's their job (I guess it is their job).

Jared Burton: We can assume that afterwards Jared showered with his uniform on sitting down with his head between his knees, crying (And for all those Flight of the Conchords fans out there, Jared wasn't crying; it was just raining on his face). 1 IP, 4 ER + 1 inherited Owings run (Owings shakes head in disapproval). One of those games that takes the ERA on a hot-air ballon ride. It might come back down to Earth in a few months. If you're going to blame someone for tonight's loss, blame Jared.

Alex Gonzalez: Offensive explosion from Gonzo tonight. An RBI double--his first hit of the season. That's all.

Ramon Hernandez: Offensive explosion from Ramon tonight. Two singles, one of them an infield hit. Yeah, Ramon!

Phillips, Bruce, Encarnacion: 0-12. That's not going to win many.

Mike Cameron: 3-3, 2 HR, 1 2B, 3 R, 3 RBI, 1 BB. Is there anything else to say?

Todd Coffey: Damnit. Couldn't we have at least gotten a run off Coffey. I mean come on. Yesterday, in reference to being released by the Reds, Coffey said, "I'm glad to be away from the Reds because they tried to take my sinker away, my best pitch." Meeoooww.

Prince Fielder strikes out on Nick Masset ball in the dirt that gets by Hernandez and Fielder makes it to first: I know how you feel Nick. As a former pitcher, this happened to me approximately 972 times from the ages of 6-14. My dad probably still has the stats.

Subpar game overall. Lots of grimacing. At least Dickerson went yard--have I ever told you I love that kid. A sweep this early in the season would have been premature. We need something to work towards, right?

Game 7: Mommy, what's a three-game winning streak?

Reds 3, Brewers 1 (I'll explain Snake in a moment)

Bronson Arroyo: 6.1 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 4 BB, 3 K. A very solid performance despite the bouts of wildness (57 strikes in 107 pitches), but pitched himself out of a couple jams. A very promising start for the rotation considering Volquez and Cueto haven't come around yet.

Edwin Encarnacion: Maybe feeling his oats a little after last nights grand slam. He went 0-4 and had a THROWING ERROR (AHHHHH!!!!)

Joey Votto: Continues to crush. Smoked an RBI double in the first inning to get the Reds on the board.

Willy Taveras: You sir are quickly becoming my favorite person in the world. On base 3 out of 5 times tonight and scored on Hairston's dinger. Stole second late in the game after a few pitches to Votto with me screaming into the TV.

Paul Janish: The little bugger played nice D (I admit the kid has a cannon) and contributed a double over Cameron's head in center. If he can hit .270, I'll never say anything bad about him again. Gonzo shouldn't see an AB the rest of the series.

Ryan Hanigan: Different catcher. Same result. But, he did gun down Corey Hart at second. Hanigan's start got me wondering. Does Bronson Arroyo only throw to white catchers?

Laynce Nix: Two nights in a row with a late-inning pinch hit double. The guy looks like a cross between a lumberjack and a cage fighter.

Jerry Hairston: We really need this guy to hit lefties if he's going to steal Dickerson's ABs. He'll have to put up last year's numbers and some to justify the platoon for me.

Mike "the coronary" Lincoln: Did anyone else not want Votto to drive in that insurance run in the ninth, therefore not widening the lead to four, therefore not having Mike Lincoln come in to finish the game because there was no longer a save opportunity for Coco? I would rather have Coco pitch with a 3-run cushion than Lincoln with a 4-run cushion. In the end, it was slightly harrowing. They hit him on the button a couple times, but no harm done.

Quote of the Game: Who else but Chris Welsh, who was completely serious when he said, "Kurt Russell was Snake Plissken in Escape From New York, one of the best movies ever made." Don't get wrong, I like Escape From New York, but not that much.

Well, well, well. A three-game win streak. I smell a sweep, especially after handling the Brewers 1-2 starting punch. Two more to go. Wow. A sweep. I haven't even thought about a sweep in so long. It's kind of fun to say when you're not on the other end of it. Sweep. Sweep. Haha. Fun!

Game 6: Edinson loses it, Edwin wins it

Reds 7, Brewers 6

Edinson Volquez: 5 IP, 6 ER, 7 H, 4 BB, 4 K. And thanks to Edwin's grand salami, Edinson stole a win--wow. If Edinson looked rusty in his first outing, he was downright awful in this one. I've never seen him look more vulnerable. No location. Afraid to throw the fastball. Hitters sitting back on the changeup. I didn't think it could get uglier and then he cut off mid-delivery for no reason and was promptly charged with a balk. And then when I thought that was the worst it could get, he appeared to kill Rickie Weeks, who squared to bunt and took a 95-mph fastball where the neck attaches to the torso, and collapsed to the ground and lay motionless for a minute (Ricky was okay). The only positive for Edinson--with the bases loaded, he got out Hart, Braun and Fielder, no easy task.

Edwin Encarnacion: Played game-saver tonight. Absolutely smoked a meaty Gallardo fastball into the left field bleachers. The best swing I've ever seen him take. This bodes well considering the guy has walked 8 times in 6 games this year.

Brandon Phillips: Seriously Brandon, you are not Gary Sheffield. Stop waving the bat. Your swing is way too long. You never choke up. You never cut down your swing in a pitcher's count. You check swing at curveballs four feet outside in the dirt (top of the second tonight). You generate enough air in the box to cool down the front rows. He would be so much better if he swung for contact, even in the cleanup spot.

Quote of the Game: Brandon Phillips batting with a 3-0 count and runners on first and second.
Welsh--"Do you green light Phillips here?"
Thom B.--"No. Do you?"
Welsh--"Yes. He's your number four hitter."

Jay Bruce: Finally homered! Still looked lost at the plate.

Dusty Baker: Looks dumb in batting gloves. But at least you can tell that Dusty HATES to lose.

Joey Votto: What a great scoop on a crappy Phillips throw to complete a huge double play to preserve a one-run game. Aside from the bat (another RBI hit tonight) he's been Mr. Gold Glove at first.

Bullpen: 4 IP, 3 H, 3 BB, 1 K. Kept things interesting with the walks, but somehow managed to hold off a good Milwaukee lineup. Cordero gassed it again in the ninth--a consistent 96-mph heater on the corners.

Todd Coffee: 1.2 innings of revenge-ball. Damn gingers!

Thom and Chris Welsh: I don't mind a little banter in between batters and pitches, but at least update me once in a while. You talked about ice skating and hockey for Taveras' entire third AB. It's not surprising you mess up a lot of names and switches.

I thought this game was over after 2 innings with the Brewers up 5-1. And then with two outs in the third inning, Taveras and Dickerson walked, Votto singled, Phillips walked, Bruce got plunked, and then Edwin salamied. My how things change quickly. We still only got six hits, but who cares! We won! We won!

Game 5: Harang pitches game of the year

Reds 2, Pirates 0

Aaron Harang: Complete game shutout, 3 H, 9 K. The man was automatic today. Threw 80 strikes in 108 pitches. There was no hope for the Pirates. Harang lived low and on the corners all day. The best I've seen Harang look in two years. Combined with a gritty Opening Day performance against the Mets, you have to feel good about our #1.

The Lineup: Wow. I never thought I'd see Taveras and Dickerson at the top of the order for an entire game. And it was fun to watch.

Willy Taveras: 2-3, 2B, SB, R. He's already won us over.

Chris Dickerson: 1-2, 2 BB. This guy should be in left everyday. You have to love his presence at the plate--the complete opposite of Jay Bruce. Dickerson also mimics a gazelle in left field. And did you see the kid take an extra base on his single when the throw went home. He flew.

Brandon Phillips: His home run in the first proved to be the game winner. But why does he check swing on every pitch? I've never seen a non-Latin player so unwillingly take a ball. I can't believe he's walked 5 times in 5 games.

Jay Bruce--Left his bat in Sarasota. His infield hit late in the game saved himself from a golden sombrero. At least he hustled and beat the throw to first. Why don't more players actually try doing that...you know, running it out?

RISP, less than 2 outs--I've never seen a team worse at moving runners. We should have scored at least 5 runs today. Not a good sign.

Bottom third of the order--35 ABs. 1 Hit. Jeff Keppinger has 4 hits in 7 ABs in Houston.

Quote of the Game--Chris Welsh. "Aaron Harang is always going to throw strikes, except for those days he doesn't have it."

Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez--Turned the best double play against the Reds you will see this year.

Johnny Cueto, sloppy bastard--I forgot to mention this yesterday, but if you didn't see the TV broadcast, you missed Johnny Cueto blow a mean snot rocket as he trotted off the field, and then he immediately brought his hand to his face as if the snot rocket got caught somewhere. The next inning, they showed Johnny in the dugout taking a handful of sunflowers and shlopping them in the direction of his mouth, half of which hit off his face and fell on his lap and to the ground. The other half that made it into the mouth were chomped and spit out within a second. Many sunflowers remained stuck around his maw.

This will be the best pitching outing of the year. At least we split with Pitt. With Milwaukee coming up, it's time to make an early statement. Volquez vs. Gallardo will be a dandy.

Game 4: The Death of Mike Lincoln?

Pirates 10, Reds 2 (Yuck)

George Grande: Stop talking about people in the organization having babies and tell me what is happening in the game. Votto came up to bat and wasn't announced by Grande until the fifth pitch because he was congratulating everyone in the Reds family who had a baby this offseason. And when he did acknowledge Votto, he said "full count to Hairston," which wasn't suprising considering he was a play behind.

Joey Votto: Nailed by left fielder Moss at home plate on an Encarnacion single. Cleated in the knee by catcher Doumit. Rips pants. Limps off field. Runs gingerly rest of game. For the love of God, get better Joey. For the love of God.

Jay Bruce: A couple RBIs and another outfield assist to save a run at home, but was thrown out at first to end the game after forgetting to tag up. Yeah.

Unlucky: Due to the rainout last night, the Pirates skipped over their 5th starter (some guy named Karstens) and reverted back to ace Paul Maholm, who 3-hit us in 7 innings.

Quote of the Game: Chris Welsh describing Votto's home plate collision. "It looks like he got a contusion, meaning a cut, on his left knee..."

Chris Dickerson: Didn't play with the lefty Maholm starting. Instead, Hairston got the nod in left field--0-4, 1 K, 2 LOB. Super. Dusty said Dickerson had 20 HR, 30 SB potential. Not if you platoon him, you jerk.

Johnny Cueto: 6 IP, 9 K, 8 H, 1 BB, 4 ER. There were good innings and bad innings. His start today was a microcosm of his rookie year.

Daniel Ray Herrera: Although he struck out the side in the seventh, for the second time in two appearances he looked like he didn't belong. I'm still trying to understand how this kid retired 26 out of 30 people in Spring Training. Oh wait, I know, because it was Spring Training. If he threw as fast as he worked, he'd be the greatest pitcher of all time.

Micah Owings: Pinch hit. Swung at the first pitch. Doubled off the top of the left-center wall. Awesomeness.

Alex Gonzalez: Hit a plopper right in front of the plate and then let the ball touch his foot as he stepped out of the batter's box, graciously shortcutting to the inevitable.

Mike Lincoln: I suggested that Mike Lincoln was high during his last 1.1 inning appearence. Well, today, Mike might have been high and on acid. 1 IP, 5 ER, 3 H, 3 BB. This included a grand slam by Doumit and a follow up solo shot by LaRoche just to be an ass.

Nyjer Morgan, big bully: The Pirates' speedster weighs under 100 lbs. and bowled over Ramon Hernandez at home even though he could have scored standing up, then later, breaks up a double play at second by legally levelling Alex Gonzalez. This sure doesn't make us look like a bunch of cream-puffs.

Like I said earlier, it should have been Cueto vs. Karstens, not Cueto vs. Maholm. That's a good excuse, right? Ugly game all around. There's nothing like losing to the Pirates by nine at home in front of 22,276 people fans. And why didn't we play a doubleheader today to make up the Friday night rain game? This has been a very anticlimatic opening week.

Game 3: "0-162, I don't think so!"

Reds 8 - Mets 6

Joey Votto: He prefers his drinks shaken, not stirred. I've said it before. This guy is the new Todd Helton. And the glove work is impressive as well.

Willy Taveras: On base twice. Two runs scored. Dropped a sexy bunt that left Perez, Snyder and Wright paralyzed.

Paul Janish: A bases loaded single. Fans will now want to see him play over Gonzo, which I am okay with.

Arthur Rhodes: Old man got it goin' on.

Francisco Cordero: Consistent 95-mph heater. Sheff and Reyes didn't know what to do, so they just stood there and went back to the dugout, but not without a little bitchin'. Murphy tried his best and swung, but not on this day sir.

Bronson Arroyo: 6 IP, 5 ER, and he gets the W. I'll say it once more. Wins and losses are pointless.

Brandon Phillips: Now that he has a Gold Glove, will he ever make a spectacular play again? One error today and a risky intentional drop on an infield pop fly. And why does he trot around like an old man wherever he goes? Old Man Phillips from now on.

Thank God we avoided the sweep. Thank God.

Game 2: The game that lasted over 4 hours for no reason

Attendance: 13,568--You mean the fans aren't paying to see small ball and defense?

Jonny Gomes: Accepted a AAA spot. If he can hit .250 down there with a home run every 15 ABs, he should be up around May.

Edinson Volquez: Looked like Matt Belisle out there. Can only get better from here. He was trying to nibble all game. Kill the bunny Edinson. You got these big bear claws. Kill the bunny. You're just pattin' it around.

Mike Lincoln: I sometimes wonder if Mike Lincoln is high.

Fouling the ball off the foot: Are the Reds the only team this happens to?

Defense: Gonzo botches a double play after being shielded by that sneaky Reyes character and the floodgates open shortly after. A few innings later, Jay Bruce fields a sharply hit ball in right field, and somewhere in the mix, falls on his ass thereby opening the floodgates 2.0 (even better than the first!).

Being on Base is fun!!!...oh shit: Jay Bruce gets picked off first with Votto on third. Votto tries for home and is nailed at the plate to end the fifth inning.

Joey Votto: We are now fully prepared for a monster year from Mr. Votto. Just imagine what this guy could do if he wasn't being protected by Brandon Phillips.

Willy Taveras: You are awesome for now. Triple and a run in the blink of an eye.

Alex Gonzalez: I'm already getting tired of this guy--has no approach at the plate. Never has. Never will. Hey that reminds me. You know who had a great approach at the plate. Jeff Keppinger. He had the game winning hit for Houston last night and homered tonight. Keep it going Kepp.

Quote of the game: Chris Welsh--"Swing and a...no wait, ball taken high."

All around dumb game. More mistakes. Poor pitching. Neither team wanted to win this one. No excuses tonight.

Reds Lineup: "Producing Runs is HARRDDD."

Jay Bruce: Opposite-field double off the wall in a cold drizzle against Johan Santana. Oh, and he was fooled on the pitch and swung noncommitally.

Joey Votto: The plate presence of a veteran. Reminds me of Splinter, the knowledgable old sewer rat from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But why Joey did you strike out on three consecutive fastballs down the middle without lifting the bat off your shoulder. You're better than that.

Edwin Encarnacion: Walked twice and smoked a tough luck liner that was caught by Murphy that would have tied the game, but his game was not without a brain fart. You should never get doubled up at first from the outfield.

George Grande: I have to give it to him. He does a good interview, this time with Frank Robinson. Sure, his questions are softballs, but the guy is classy. Maybe that's why I despise him so much. Too much class. I like the broadcaster with nothing to lose, who says things that don't even make sense, like Jeff Brantley.

Darnell McDonald: He is really good at diving for balls and not catching them, then sliding forty feet out of the camera view. I felt like Hairston and McDonald were going to drop every ball. They exuded no confidence. When that blooper fell in between Hairston, McDonald and Gonzalez, somehow, somewhere Adam Dunn saw this and laughed.

Aaron Harang: Effective. Could have gone another inning. The Mets weren't hitting him that hard. I'm still confused as to how you and Ramon Hernandez let Ryan Church steal second?

Chris Dickerson: Crime against humanity that the guy wasn't given the Opening Day nod. Worked a full count walk against J.J. Putz late in the game.

Aflac trivia question: Harder than the pink questions from Trivial Pursuit genus edition V.

Quote of the Game: A moustacheless Chris Welsh. "Pitching is pitching. Catching is catching."

Spitting rain. Cold. Johan Santana all up in your personal space. Taveras down with the flu. Can we get a do-over.