R.I.P. Jeff Keppinger

Just after the trade, Kepp posed for his new team.

Yesterday the Reds traded Jeff Keppinger to Houston. Today, the Reds played Houston...and Jeff Keppinger. Let's just make this as uncomfortable as possible. At least Kepp wasn't hit by a pitch.

So yes, the Reds have parted ways with Jeff "Elmer Fudd" Keppinger, for the dreaded player to be named later, which is never good for the psyche--

Walt: Kepp, I'm sorry, but we've traded you to Houston.

Kepp: That's okay, I guess. I should get more playing time there. Say, just curious, who did you get for me? Micheal Bourn? Reggie Abercrombie? Christ, please don't say Geoff Blum. Anybody but Geoff Blum.

Walt: Well, technically, it is anybody at this point.

Kepp: I'm not sure what you mean.

Walt: We traded you for a player to be named later.

Kepp: Jesus Walt, why? (eyes welling)

Walt: At the moment, you are more valuable to our club by just not being here. It doesn't even matter who we get. Just not having you here is good enough. Don't tell Houston this, but I would have traded you for a discount hummer from that whore in their PR department, but they offered an unnamed minor leaguer and I thought what the hell.

It's pretty obvious that Kepp hasn't been the same player since fracturing his kneecap last year and the Reds were unwilling to wait any longer, especially with farm-raised youngsters Janish and Rosales gearing up to be the next Juan Castro for years to come. Okay, maybe just Janish.

I'm happy for Kepp, as I am for most players traded away from our organization. Houston needs all the help they can get. When (not if) this guy gets healthy, he will hit over .300 and never strike out, while displaying solid defense, as he has done at every level. Every time Kepp gets a hit against the Reds this year I will do a shot of vodka, and you can bet your ass I won't be able to stand up after each game.

Ranks: NL Central Second Basemen

1. Brandon Phillips, 28--CIN
2. Kaz Matsui, 33--HOU
3. Rickie Weeks, 26--MIL
4. Freddy Sanchez, 31--PIT
5. Mike Fontinot, 29--CHI
6. Aaron Miles, 33--CHI
7. Adam Kennedy, 33--STL

Brandon Phillips is number one. No questions here. It's a combination of two things really:
1.) He has speed, power, glove, youth and a winning smile.
2.) The others are essentially trade bait. They've all had a good season or two (except for Kennedy and Miles who are just terrible) which gives them each more value than a minor leaguer. Matsui looks more promising every year but keeps getting older and older. Weeks is the exact opposite (yes, he gets younger and younger). Sanchez plays for Pittsburgh which means he is incapable of amounting to anything for the rest of his life. Mike Fontinot had a year similar to Jeff Keppinger in 2007 but he still finds himself behind Aaron Miles on the Cubs depth chart, probably because he can only move two feet laterally to each side (life = cruel).

I was a bit harsh on Phillips in my scouting report, but my cell phone wasn't charged and I let my Cheerios get soggy that morning. I still think he swings too hard and doesn't get on base enough, but one can only be so perfect. Even if Brandon never does the 30/30 thing again, I'll be fine as long as he brings the D, gets OB and cuts the Ks. It's tough for NL second basemen these days. They seem to be dying off (Kent,...and...Kent). There's Mr. Utley, and who else? Dan Uggla, Kelly Johnson, Orlando Hudson? I guess it's Brandon Phillips.

Scouting Report: Alex Gonzalez, Who Does Exist

Offense:
Did you know that Alex Gonzalez has finished with an OPS+ below the league average in all 10 seasons? His best offensive stint occurred in 2007, his first year with the Reds, when he hit .272/.325/.468 with a 99 OPS+ in about two-thirds of a season. This was phenomenal for Alex compared to his career averages (.248/.295/.399 and an 80 OPS+). Because Alex is not a power hitter (106 HRs in 4,002 ABs) there is no reason why he strikes out as often as he does, every 4.9 ABs. Alex seems to have Brandon Phillips syndrome--he swings about three times too hard.

Defense:
Alex has more range than No Country For Old Men. If it's hit between second and third you can bet your bippy Alex is going to at least attempt to make a play. This might be why his career fielding percentage is under the league average for shortstops--he doesn't know when to eat it. If Alex backhands a Juan Pierre grounder deep in the hole and Juan has already crossed first base, there's a good chance Alex will still throw the ball. And there's a good chance that ball will go over Joey Votto's head and five runners will score because Bronson Arroyo is pitching and only Bronson Arroyo can have an inning that bad.

Overall:
There's no denying Alex's sexiness. When he successfully makes that play in the hole against Juan Pierre, there is not much else to do but fall out of your chair with the giggles. And when he follows that next inning with a solo shot into the left field bleachers, there is not much else to do but die. But like with any sexy person, it's easy to get caught up in the image. Numbers don't lie.

STAT WATCH: Alex needs to stop swinging and missing. 4.9 ABs/SO is not good for a Punch-and-Judy hitter. If he can cut it to 7 ABs/SO we will observe a pleasant rise in his offensive numbers. It will be hard to watch a .250-hitting Alex get the nod ahead of Jeff Keppinger, who will hit at least .300 if healthy. If Alex can hit .285, which he's never done, I'll be happy. This is another way of saying I probably won't be happy. In this blogger's humble opinion, shortstop should be Keppinger's to lose.

Scouting Report: Jeff Keppinger

Offense:

No matter how hard you try, you will probably not strikeout Jeff Keppinger, who led the National League with 19.1 ABs/SO. That is certainly tidy. Just ask Adam Dunn, sloppy bastard, who averaged 3.15 ABs/SO. There is no secret to what Jeff does. He simply puts the bat on the ball. He is a prototypical 2-hitter. He is so, so good at advancing runners and hitting the ball where it's pitched. He has the special talent of picking a spot in the infield and hitting the ball there. That is harder than it looks. He had a tremendous 2007 in part-time action (123 OPS+), but then took a major dunk in his pants in 2008 (70 OPS+).

Defense:

Ignoring Jeff's resemblance to Elmer Fudd in body type and height of hat, he surpassed expectations as a shortstop even though he is not fluid or graceful, doesn't have a strong arm, and is white. Simply put, Jeff is fundamental, which I believe is still considered a compliment.

Overall:

Wherever Jeff goes, a starting infielder has a horrific injury and Jeff steps in. Did you hear that Edwin?--You could be next. After Jeff stamped his major league ticket in 2007 with a team saving performance, he got a taste of his own, fracturing his patella 147 ABs into 2008. Up until then, he was batting .320/.365/.442, similar to his excellent 2007 line. In the 311 ABs after his return, however, he hit .238/.281/.299 - a brutal first-hand account of what happens when, God forbid, you fracture a patella. Jeff is fully rehealed from his injury, but then again, so is Alex Gonzalez, who apparently is real. In order to get some ABs this year, Jeff might have to learn how to play left field, or wait for Edwin to "fall" down the dugout steps.

STAT WATCH: If Keppinger is healthy and in the line-up, he will hit, I think. Most other Reds fans think so too, they think. Most would give Jeff the starting job to lose at shortstop, but unfortunately, Alex Gonzalez, who I hear does actually exist in our world, will be handed the job without question. This is sad for Jeff, but if Gonzalez has forgotten how to play the game, this is good for Jeff. Bat over .300 Jeff.

Scouting Report: Jerry Hairston Jr.

Offense
Jerry Hairston Jr. has played ten platoon/utility-filled seasons. Jerry Hairston Jr. has had one really good platoon/utility-filled season. That was last year—enough for the Reds to resign him recently to a one-year contract worth $2 million. Hairston is a career .260/.330/.370 hitter, even more depressing when considering he might have been juiced: see Mitchell Report, page 78,789. Jerry Jr. had an unusual 2008. He was knocked unconscious during spring training. When he awoke months after the season, he was surprised to learn he had batted 261 times with great success (.326/.384/.487).

Defense
Jerry Jr. played six positions for the Reds last year (SS, LF, CF, RF, 2B and 3B, in order of starts by position). He served admirably at shortstop with Alex Gonzalez and Jeff Keppinger both sidelined by injuries.

Overall
Jerry has tenacity and he appears to be a bit of an angry fellow. This is probably because he has been competing for a starting Major League job for 11 seasons. Every game last year, when the FSN camerman zoomed in on Jerry's face, his expression resembled a lion who's prey had been overtaken by a herd of hyenas. But maybe it is this drive, this willingness, that will push Jerry towards an everyday role with the Reds in the future. It is also of note that Jerry reportedly converted to the Jehovah's Witness faith in 2000, but rest assured, he has vowed not to knock on Saturday mornings. Did I mention he was an angry fellow.

STAT WATCH: Depending on what the Reds do with their left field vacancy, and depending on the health of Gonzalez and Keppinger, and depending on the health of himself, Jerry might or might not play a lot this year. If he does play on a regular basis, we need Jerry 2008. If Jerry becomes our permanent left fielder (sweet jesus), he's gonna have to hit, hit, hit. If he becomes our permanent shortstop, he's gonna have to hit, field, hit, hit. Jerry, you're a sparkplug. We need you standing on a base 36% of the time. Eat the meat. Attack the hyena herd.