Poll Results: George Grande, Pucker Man

Red Scare readers have spoken. If George Grande were to do promotional work as a side, he would most likely sponsor a fictional invention known as the Ass-Kisser 4000, which not only kisses ass and kisses ass hard, but also cleans as it works, a non-feature of the three previous models.

According to the poll, if not the Ass-Kisser 4000, then Grande would be featuring another analcentric product--rectal exams. To be clear, Grande would not take direct part in the exam (that would be Chris Welsh--they don't call him the crafty left-hander for nothing).

If not for rectal exams, Grande would take Wolford Brimley's place as spokesman for diabetes, or as we have come to know, "Diabeetis." Watch The Price is Right and wait for a commercial break to understand this reference.

Poll Results: There is Nothing More Embarrassing than Owning This

Red Scare readers have spoken. Apparently, there is nothing more embarrassing then getting Matt Belisle's autograph. Getting the signage of this ex-Red is, according to readers, more embarrassing than spitalling into someone's eye, being too short for the amusement park ride, or tearing your hamstring at Reds Fantasy Camp. Ouch.

Spittaling in someone's eye happens to the best of us. You are talking excitedly with a co-worker, possibly someone you are attracted to, and before you know it, you have catapulted a small globule of saliva from your mouth, bullet speed, onto their eyeball. They cock their head and blink a few times, taking a few moments to understand the situation, and you stay quiet and pretend like nothing happened. This, however, is not as embarrassing as getting John Hancock de Belisle.

Being too short for the amusement park ride is always embarrassing, especially if you're 38 years old, but not as embarrassing as inking Belisle's name when others can see you.

A fourth of the voters suggested that tearing your hamstring at Reds Fantasy Camp was more embarrassing than getting Belisle'd. Just imagine it. You stroke a lobbed pitch from Dick Pole into the right field gap. Then, running to first, almost like predetermination, you know you're stretching it into two. You round first hard and take a wide turn, and then, it happens. You put too much pressure on your pivot leg, which hasn't had this type of workout since you cut the no-man's grass between you and your asshole neighbor's yard, and you shriek in pain and go down clutching your hammy. Even this scene, however, is not as embarrassing as getting an autograph from Matthew Belisle.

Poll Results: Hatred of Corey Patterson Still Lingers

Red Scare readers have spoken. They would rather have John Stamos as the Reds starting center fielder than Corey Patterson. Also finishing ahead of Corey Patterson in voting: Mark Wahlberg as Max Payne and a bowl of black licorice. Stamos is best known for TV roles in General Hospital, Full House and ER.

Patterson, who quickly grew out of favor with Reds fans in 2008 after reoccurring dismal performances, was unable to garner enough support to beat out even a bowl of black licorice, one of the most awful candies in the world. This is also embarrasing when considering that a bowl of black licorice does not have human parts, meaning it will never be able to swing a bat, chase down a fly ball, or for that matter, catch it.

Max Payne, starring a lackluster Mark Wahlberg, was one of the most critically panned movies of 2008. Wahlberg did not have much steam coming into Payne after giving one of the worst on-screen performances in the history of cinema in M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening earlier in the year. He was good enough, however, to beat out Corey Patterson.