Belisle Lives!

dun da da!

Yes, I was aware that the Rockies picked up Belisle a few months back, but I was waiting for the right time. That time has come. And yes Matt, we do see that neck pimple.

Matt's line: 1 IP, 1 ER (Jason Werth home run--not a promising sign)

How Many Wins This Year? (feat. the 2000 Cincinnati Reds and T-Pain)

The last winning Reds season was 2000 when we finished 85-77, good for 2nd in the division, still ten wins behind the pennant-winning Cardinals. That was Griff's first year. My, how things change.

National League Ranks

5th in total runs (825)

4th in batting average (.274)

5th in home runs (200)

6th in OPS+ (103)

5th in ERA (4.33)

T-4th in ERA+ (109)

The pitching staff featured starters Steve Parris, Rob Bell, Ron Villone, Pete Harnisch, Denny Neagle, Osvaldo Fernandez, Elmer Dessens and relievers Danny Graves, Scott Sullivan and Scott Williamson. The offense featured Benito Santiago, Pokey Reese, Barry Larkin, Aaron Boone, Dmitri Young, Ken Griffey Jr., Dante Bichette, Chris Stynes, Michael Tucker and Alex Ochoa, all of whom finished with an OPS+ over 100 for the exception of Santiago and Reese.

The 2008 team finished 74-88, 5th in the division.

National League Ranks

12th in total runs (704)
16th in batting average (.247)

4th in home runs (187)

14th in OPS+ (93)

13th in ERA (4.55)

9th in ERA+ (99)

The 2009 pitching staff is in position to be better than the 2000 squad. I still have a hard time believing we finished at 85 wins with a 1. Steve Parris 2. Rob Bell 3. Ron Villone rotation for most of the year. If the 2009 staff can pitch to potential and become a Top-5 staff in the NL, as was the 2000 staff (still not sure how that happened), then we have a chance at 85 wins. Holding us back will be a young, developing offense. For 85 wins to occur, many of our hitters will need career years or breakout years or not-bad years.

Starting with 74 wins, let's do some math...

Not having Josh Fogg = +3 wins

Not having Matt Belisle = +1 win

Not having 2008 Homer Bailey = +1 win

Johnny Cueto a year older = +2 wins

Aaron Harang not smoking crack = +2 wins

Not having Adam Dunn = -1 win

366 Taveras ABs over 366 Patterson ABs = +1 win

Offensive improvement from Phillips, Encarnacion, Votto and Bruce = +5 wins

The bullpen not topping last years performance= -2 wins

Best case scenario: 86 wins, 2nd in the division, Wildcard!!!

Worst case scenario: 76 wins, 5th in the division, Two of diamonds

My scenario: 81 wins, 3rd in the division, Queen of hearts

And now.........T-Pain

Poll Results: There is Nothing More Embarrassing than Owning This

Red Scare readers have spoken. Apparently, there is nothing more embarrassing then getting Matt Belisle's autograph. Getting the signage of this ex-Red is, according to readers, more embarrassing than spitalling into someone's eye, being too short for the amusement park ride, or tearing your hamstring at Reds Fantasy Camp. Ouch.

Spittaling in someone's eye happens to the best of us. You are talking excitedly with a co-worker, possibly someone you are attracted to, and before you know it, you have catapulted a small globule of saliva from your mouth, bullet speed, onto their eyeball. They cock their head and blink a few times, taking a few moments to understand the situation, and you stay quiet and pretend like nothing happened. This, however, is not as embarrassing as getting John Hancock de Belisle.

Being too short for the amusement park ride is always embarrassing, especially if you're 38 years old, but not as embarrassing as inking Belisle's name when others can see you.

A fourth of the voters suggested that tearing your hamstring at Reds Fantasy Camp was more embarrassing than getting Belisle'd. Just imagine it. You stroke a lobbed pitch from Dick Pole into the right field gap. Then, running to first, almost like predetermination, you know you're stretching it into two. You round first hard and take a wide turn, and then, it happens. You put too much pressure on your pivot leg, which hasn't had this type of workout since you cut the no-man's grass between you and your asshole neighbor's yard, and you shriek in pain and go down clutching your hammy. Even this scene, however, is not as embarrassing as getting an autograph from Matthew Belisle.

R.I.P. Josh Fogg

Josh Fogg

(2007-2008)

"If you need someone

to lose the game for you

I am certainly

up to the challenge."

In 2007, Josh earned the nickname "Dragon Slayer" from his Colorado Rockies teammates after pitching a stretch of games outdueling the likes of Brandon Webb, Curt Schilling, etc. This was most likely an example of Rockies players trying to lift Josh's spirits after roughly 948 innings of getting the shit knocked out of him.

Josh brought his 72-mph fastball to Cincinnati in 2008, along with a career 4.90 ERA and a Joker smile. When most didn't think it possible for Josh to pitch worse, he shocked the world and gave the Reds 78.3 innings of 7.58 ERA baseball (a superb ERA for wiffle ball). The farthest he made it into a game was 6 innings. He surely contemplated pitching underhand once or twice, just to see.

STAT WATCH: The Dragon Slayer is currently unsigned. Imagine that. Let's see if Josh ever pitches in a major league game again. If he does, it will give hope to Matt Belisle, which is sad and unfair.

Where Does the Money Go?

At the end of MLB fiscal year 2008, the Reds ranked 18th in payroll just above $74 million, fifth among NL Central teams. Here is how they spent the money (numbers rounded).

Adam Dunn--$13 mil
Francisco Cordero--$8.6 mil
Ken Griffey Jr.--$8.3 mil
Aaron Harang--$6.75 mil
Alex Gonzalez--$4.6 mil
Bronson Arroyo--$4.6 mil
David Weathers--$3.3 mil
Mike Stanton--$3 mil
Ryan Freel--$3 mil
Jeremy Affeldt--$3 mil
Brandon Phillips--$2.94 mil
David Ross--$2.53 mil
Scott Hatteberg--$1.85 mil
Josh Fogg--$1.5 mil
Javier Valentin--$1.35 mil
Matt Belisle--$1.25 mil
Juan Castro--$975 thou
Todd Coffee--$907 thou
Mike Lincoln--$550 thou
Edwin Encarnacion--$450 thou
Norris Hopper--$402 thou
Jeff Keppinger--$402 thou
Jared Burton--$395 thou
Edinson Volquez--$392 thou
Bobby Livingston--$392 thou

and those poor league minimum bastards...
Joey Votto--$390 thou
Johnny Cueto--$390 thou
Jay Bruce--$390 thou

Things to notice...

• Who the hell is responsible for giving Matt Belisle over a million dollars.
• The Reds slashed 55% of their 2008 payroll. About 20% of that will go to Ramon "the most overpaid catcher in baseball" Hernandez in 2009.
• Bobby Livingston, who spent all of 2008 in AAA, made more than Joey Votto, Johnny Cueto and Jay Bruce, and the same as Edinson Volquez.
• Assuming the baby Reds (Edinson, Johnny, Jay, Joey) all grow up to be fantastic, the Reds are going to have a hell of a payday in 2011 when all are eligible for arbitration, and then in 2014 when all are eligible for free agency. If the Reds haven't flirted with the postseason by then, it will be fun to witness the dismantling of a team!
• Matt Belisle is a millionaire. Shit.
• Alex Gonzalez is kkkkkkiiiiiiiillllliiiiiinnnnggggg us.
• Edwin is in arbitration right now and should become a millionaire in the near future, barring the Reds trick him into playing for free, which sadly might happen.
• If you don't understand arbitration, MLB service time, free agency, Super Two players and why Jay Bruce wasn't called up sooner, you MUST read this article.

R.I.P. Gary "Keep an Eye on the Kids" Majewski

Gary in 20 years







Gary Majewski

(2006-2008)

Let's be honest,

Gary looked right at home

on the Ohio River,

or any river

for that matter.

During Bullpen Meltdown '06, the Reds traded beloved Austin Kearns and sex symbol Felipe Lopez to the Nationals for much needed relief (too good a pun?). It came in the form of Bill Bray and Gary Majewski, two poor young men who had know idea what kind of firestorm they were being thrown into. Bill battled through some arm trouble and finally settled nicely into the Reds 2008 bullpen. The same, however, can not be said for Gary, part-time coon hunter, who turned into possibly the worst pitcher in the history of baseball.

Health was always the question with Gary. After the Reds traded for him, there was controversy surrounding unreported cortisone shots he'd recieved for arm pain shortly before the trade. The Nationals, led by ex-Reds GM Jim Bowden, thought it better not to tell the Reds about this (the Reds filed a greivance claim in 2007). For the better part of the next two years Gary probably had no feeling in his arm, which would explain his 7.39 ERA as a Red. The only person who would want me to continue listing Gary's horrifying numbers is Matt Belisle.

STAT WATCH: Now that Gary is no longer a Red, he will be able to heal his arm correctly and win Comeback Player of the Year with the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies. Before his Reds stint, Gary was a solid healthy reliever with a career 3.28 ERA. Let's hope he never achieves this ever again.

R.I.P: Matt "It's Ba-Lie-Yul, not Be-Liz-Lee" Belisle

Matt Belisle

(2003-2008)

There's no getting

around the fact that

Matt was an

odd-looking person.

Was he a reliever? Was he a starter? Was he half-horse? We'll never really know what Matt Belisle was. What we do know is that Matt was not a very good pitcher. This was evident in 2004 when Matt pitched the entire year in the Reds AAA system and went 9-11 with a 5.26 ERA in 28 starts. After the season, the order was for Matt to pack his bags and go home, but in a catastrophic mix-up, the AAA coach accidentally crossed the message and told Matt he was being promoted to the big leagues. After the dust settled, no one in Reds management had the heart to tell Matt the truth, so they let him dress in uniform and pitch once in a while. The rest is history: 4 seasons, 341 Innings, a career 5.06 ERA, a back injury, and 6 poorly edited Youtube videos (4 of which show him getting pulverized).

Matt was released by the Reds this offseason after explaining to Walk Jocketty that he hadn't recieved a paycheck in four years. Walt directed him to the payroll department, then released him twenty minutes later.

Scouting Report: Where do you start with Bronson Arroyo?

Here?


Or here?


Covering the Goo Goo Dolls?


Okay, this one is actually kinda funny...

Here is what we know...

He has flowing blonde locks that are occasionally altered into cornrows. Proceed with caution.

He is a certified man-whore.

He plays guitar and sings in the Bronson Arroyo Band. They cover Goo Goo Dolls, Matchbox 20, Staind and Oasis. Check out his myspace, seriously. And here's the other one.

Oh, and I almost forgot, he plays baseball.

In 2008, Bronson's 4.77 ERA was his highest ever for a full season (this would be considered a fantastic year for Matt Belisle). Even so, he still finished with a 15-11 record (his highest Win total with the Reds), which goes to show you that Wins and Losses are, for the most part, irrelevant. Now, I'm not a big proponent of making excuses or saying, "If you take out a few bad games here or there, he would have had a better year." Well, in Bronson's case, he would really love to have appoximately 6 innings erased from the 2008 season.

Date	IP	H	ER	Locker Room Tears
April 23, HOU	3.2	10	8	573
May 4, @ATL	1.1	7	7	887
Jun 24, @TOR	1	11	10	9,999
TOTAL	6	28	25	11,459

These are some severe outings, folks. That looks like the box score to a Sega RBI Baseball game. Jesus Christ Dusty, don't you know when it's time to pull the frickin cord (I don't know, maybe after 6 hits, 5 runs and 1 out). It wouldn't surprise me if Bronson's evil twin brother, Braxton, tied him up and took the mound. That blasted Braxton! If Bronson would have stopped him, thus preventing an additional 25 Earned Runs in 6 bloody innings, he would have finished with a respectable 3.76 ERA on the season (in your dreams Matt Belisle).

STAT WATCH: Bronson, since becoming a full-time starter in 2004, you've sported a 4.14 ERA. For the Reds to be successful, you need to at least keep it below 4.00 bro. Remember when you were an All-Star in 2006 and had a 3.29 ERA? Do that again.