Reds.comments: Bless Their Hearts

EDITOR'S NOTE

This will be a reoccurring segment on The Red Scare where we analyze certain fan comments posted under news articles and press releases from Reds.com, the official propaganda machine of the Cincinnati Reds.

On signing an outfielder

"Why Griffey Jr.? Did you see him play the past 8/9 years? He can't catch up to a 92 mph heater anymore. Walt has done an excellent job in the offseason acquiring players that make financial and team chemistry sense. Speed, defense, and pitching win games this days. Hernandez, Taveras, and Gomes were big acquistions this offseason. Remember when the Reds gave Cantu a chance two years ago? Can't wait for the season to start. GO REDS!!!!!!"

We won't go into the unfortunate injuries that have plagued Junior and how that has affected his play. But for the right price (which will not be that much) I wouldn't mind Junior off the bench. According to you, Walt has done "an excellent job" this offseason and "Hernandez, Taveras and Gomes were big acquisitions." Wow, you're easily impressed. You see, I would consider players like Bobby Abreu, Mark Teixiera and Milton Bradley as "big acquisitions." Keep drinking the water.

On the starting left fielder

"You have to start hairston, anyone can come up and hit 300 6 hrs and 15 rbi in the last 31 games of the season when no one is trying and a bunch of triple and double A cats are pitching. Hairston is faster than dickerson, will hit for a better avg, steal more bases and just be more of an asset to the team out in left. dont get me wrong i like dickerson but i think he has to prove himself in spring training to even be considered for the job."

I agree that Dickerson needs to prove himself, but give the guy some credit for putting up those numbers at the end of last year. You need to take your love affair with Jerry Hairston Jr. down a notch. He's a career .260/.330/.370 hitter who had a career year in his 11th season. Jerry is also linked to steroids in the Mitchell Report, but no one seems to give a crap because he's Jerry Hairston Jr. Give the young guy a chance to prove himself, not in Spring Training, but for the first month or two of the season. I think the idea of judging players by how they perform in Spring Training is silly. There are some fringe players that have incredible Spring Trainings and still don't make the squad and other players who make the squad after horrendous springs, which tells us that a majority of the roster spots are predetermined and involve money, not talent.

On not making any sense

"cincinasty got it right look at patterson last yr a baker buddy.last year had a lot to do with baker not the players when it comes to losing"

what?

Poll Results: Hatred of Corey Patterson Still Lingers

Red Scare readers have spoken. They would rather have John Stamos as the Reds starting center fielder than Corey Patterson. Also finishing ahead of Corey Patterson in voting: Mark Wahlberg as Max Payne and a bowl of black licorice. Stamos is best known for TV roles in General Hospital, Full House and ER.

Patterson, who quickly grew out of favor with Reds fans in 2008 after reoccurring dismal performances, was unable to garner enough support to beat out even a bowl of black licorice, one of the most awful candies in the world. This is also embarrasing when considering that a bowl of black licorice does not have human parts, meaning it will never be able to swing a bat, chase down a fly ball, or for that matter, catch it.

Max Payne, starring a lackluster Mark Wahlberg, was one of the most critically panned movies of 2008. Wahlberg did not have much steam coming into Payne after giving one of the worst on-screen performances in the history of cinema in M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening earlier in the year. He was good enough, however, to beat out Corey Patterson.

Scouting Report: The Great American Ball Player

Offense:
In the first 12 games (46 ABs) of Jay's career, he batted .457/.554/.739 and was hastily elected into the Reds Hall of Fame--and why not, with his natural, smooth swing and the clean cut boyishness. Can't you hear all those guys you work with getting in your face about it. "They should have brought him up sooner, man. I told you. I knew it. I should be frickin GM." In the 96 games that followed, when Jay hit .229/.280/.417, eerily matching Corey Patterson's career numbers, those same guys you work with covered quickly and easily. "Man, you gotta give him more time to develop. He's so frickin young, which reminds me, you know who sucks--Corey Patterson."

Defense:
Bruce can play all three outfield positions but his range and arm are best suited for right field. Because Bruce is so young, he still gets angry when Coach Baker puts him in the outfield instead of pitcher or shortstop.

Overall:
Jay was the fifth youngest player in the NL last year, born in April 1987. This gives Jay a great excuse when he plays bad--it's like Edwin Encarnacion times 1,000. But if there's one thing we are taught when we are young , it's never to trust a person with two first names. I am slightly weary of Jay, not just because of the name thing, but mostly due to his resemblance of Austin Kearns. Austin was a 7th overall pick, Jay a 12th. Austin broke into the lineup at age 22, one year older than Jay. In Austin's first 13 games (37 ABs) he hit .432/.553/.676, but went on to finish the year with much better numbers than Jay did. They both have sweet swings. They are both above-average defenders. They were both marketed to shit by the Reds front office and the guys you work with before they ever played a game. They are both white and could fly away with their ears. The list goes on.

STAT WATCH: Sadly for Jay, he is expected to lead the Reds offensive calvary into battle this year. Most fans are absolutely sure Jay is a can't-miss future All-Star, but a few of us aren't sure if he can even be the next Austin Kearns. Did I mention in 413 ABs in his rookie year, he walked 33 times and whiffed 110. I know, I know, he'll get better. In order for the Reds to finish above .500, The Great American Ball Player needs to grow up fast and hit .310/.400/.550. This is a tall order. Realistically, Jay is going to hit .275/.345/.490, which still isn't bad for any 22-year-old not named Jay Bruce. Just to be clear--I'm pulling for Jay, I really am. I want him to be the next Josh Hamilton minus the smack and hookers.

R.I.P. Corey Patterson

"Baseball America

and USA Today

1st Team All-American,

1998."

Corey Patterson was not very good at all.

STAT WATCH: Corey signed with the AAA affiliate of the Washington Nationals organization, where Cincinnati Reds players go to officially die. He was invited to Spring Training and will win the center field job on Opening Day, hit 55 HRs and bat .340/.450/.680. Let's keep track of how much better Willy Taveras is than Corey. You certainly can't get much worse.

Yankees ink Sabathia, Burnett, Teixiera; Reds nab Willy Tavares, Ramon Hernandez

In a stunning display of fortitude and strength, the Reds countered the Yankees signing barrage (C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, M.C. Teixiera) with a chess manuever of their own, signing CF Willy Taveras (career .283 BA/.331 OBP). Willy will have the undaunting task of replacing Corey Patterson, whose swing used only one arm.

If you are expecting power from Taveras, you will be slightly disappointed. He is the proud owner of 7 Home Runs and 109 RBIs.....In five f#%$# seasons. Oh, and he played at Coors Field in Colorado, and Enron Field in Houston, where Home Runs are the result of broken bats sawed off at the handle. Bronson Arroyo has a better Home Run average than Willy. Of course, he must make up for it with doubles and triples, right? In 1,973 career ABs, Willy has 60 doubles and 13 triples. Jose Reyes just about did that last season. Willy's slugging percentage last year was a ripe .296--1% higher than Bronson Arroyo.

So why is Willy in the league you ask. Well, it's because he can outrun a demotion to the farm. He led the NL with 68 steals last year, caught only seven times! Good God, that's fast, and even more jaw-dropping considering he was on base about 70 times. This is a classic Cincinnati gamble. The Reds are hoping Willy can repeat his incomplete 2007 campaign with Colorado (372 ABs, .320 BA, .367 OBP, .382 SLG) and not so much his 2008 campaign (479 ABs, .251 BA, .308 OBP, an Arroyo-like .296 SLG, and a World Series benching). The Reds front office will do a complimentary job of making Willy sound like Ricky Henderson for the next four months. This is a given.

The Reds also caused tsumani-like waves around the league when they traded Ryan Freel and some prospies to the Orioles for All-Star Catcher Ramon Hernandez. That's right--2003 All-Star Catcher Ramon Hernandez. That year, Ramon destroyed American League pitchers and finished the season with a scorching .273 BA, .331 OBP and .458 SLG. If that was an All-Star year for Ramon, he should have made the All-Star team at least five other times.

What's that I hear? Why, it's them gamblin' dice. Last year, Ramon's line closed with a 32-year-old-catcher-like .257 BA, .308 OBP, .402 SLG. Oh, I forgot to mention that he's really good at defense! Apparently he calls a good game! Yeah, Ramon! For the next four months, Ramon will be touted as the next Benito Santiago. This is a given.

Willy and Ramon, welcome. We apologize in advance, but hey, you're just glad to have a job.