Poll Results: Hatred of Corey Patterson Still Lingers

Red Scare readers have spoken. They would rather have John Stamos as the Reds starting center fielder than Corey Patterson. Also finishing ahead of Corey Patterson in voting: Mark Wahlberg as Max Payne and a bowl of black licorice. Stamos is best known for TV roles in General Hospital, Full House and ER.

Patterson, who quickly grew out of favor with Reds fans in 2008 after reoccurring dismal performances, was unable to garner enough support to beat out even a bowl of black licorice, one of the most awful candies in the world. This is also embarrasing when considering that a bowl of black licorice does not have human parts, meaning it will never be able to swing a bat, chase down a fly ball, or for that matter, catch it.

Max Payne, starring a lackluster Mark Wahlberg, was one of the most critically panned movies of 2008. Wahlberg did not have much steam coming into Payne after giving one of the worst on-screen performances in the history of cinema in M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening earlier in the year. He was good enough, however, to beat out Corey Patterson.

Josh Hamilton's Love Affair with God, and also the Baby Jesus

"How am I here? I can only shrug and say, 'It's a God thing.' It's the only possible explanation."

"It's amazing that God allowed me to keep my baseball talents after I sat out three years and played only 15 games last season in A-ball."

"I get cravings sometimes, and I see it as the devil trying to catch me in a weak moment."

"And on this particular night, a little boy of about 9 or 10, wearing a Reds cap, handed me a pen and something to sign. Nothing unusual there, but as I was writing the boy said, 'Josh, you're my savior.' This stopped me. I looked at him and said, 'Well, thank you. Do you know who my savior is?' He thought for a minute. I could see the gears turning. Finally, he smiled and blurted out, 'Jesus Christ.' He said it like he'd just come up with the answer to a test. 'That's exactly right,' I said."

"I was completely desperate for God. For the first time in my life, I was just desperate for Him. I needed Him. I needed every bit of Him I could get. There was nothing in me that could get me through that time. I would be in my car praying for him, and it was just like I could feel God right there with me just bringing me so much peace and joy in the midst of a complete disaster."

"People think there are coincidences in life. There are no coincidences when God’s got a plan. It’s nothing I did except try to make the right choices and let God take over from there. There’s one solid and permanent way out of it, and that’s finding the Lord Jesus Christ and accepting Him."

Article from Great Christian Life: God uses Josh Hamilton to display His love and glory.

That will be all for now, but rest assured, Willy Taveras is giving this whole prayer thing a second thought.

Just thought of one last thing--how ironic would that be if Edinson Volquez was an atheist?

Ranks: NL Central Catchers

1. Geovany Soto, 26--CHI
2. Yadier Molina, 26--STL
3. Ryan Doumit, 28--PIT
4. Ramon Hernandez, 33--CIN
5. Jason Kendall, 35--MIL
6. Humberto Quintero, 29--HOU

As much as I hate to admit it, the Reds are slightly better with Ramon Hernandez than the Three-Headed Suck Monster, but that doesn't mean Ramon should earn $8 million this year. Judging by his numbers, he was only about a $500,000 upgrade. And even if you were a fan of the pick-up, he is only the 4th best catcher in the NL. Geovany Soto is coming off a 2008 ROY campaign where he hit .285/.364/.504 and established himself as a solid defense catcher. Yadier Molina won his first of many gold gloves (career 47.8% caught stealing) and has improved offensively each of the last three seasons. Ryan Doumit, in his first full year, batted .318/.357/.501 and finished with a 128 OPS+, tied for 7th in the Central with Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder and Aramis Ramirez. If he puts up similar numbers this year, I'll consider moving him ahead of Molina (I swear to God I'll do it).

So there you go. Ramon Hernandez is 4th, at best. And that's just in his division. He's coming off his worst year throwing out runners (19.5%) and he ain't gettin' much younger. From 2003-2006, Ramon put together a string of above average offensive years, made more valuable considering his position. But now, after two years of subpar numbers and growing wrinkles under his eyes, it's time for Ramon to prove himself to a new city. Sure, he's better than Jason Kendall, who still brings the huss and leadership bless his heart, and he outranks Humberto Quintero, who will probably never be mentioned in this blog ever again unless the sentence reads, "Edinson Volquez struck out Humberto Quintero four times last night," but the Reds are going to need at least an average offensive year from Ramon if they want to compete in the division.

Scouting Report: Joey "I Challenge You to Say Something Bad About Me" Votto

Offense:
The following sentence shouldn't be a surprising. Within three years, Joey Votto will be considered one of the best hitters in the National League. Votto finished second in 2008 ROY voting behind Geovany Soto of the Cubs. He batted .297/.368/.506 in 526 ABs and had a season eerily similar to 24-year-old Todd Helton, who also finished second in ROY voting, behind Kerry Wood of those damned Cubs. There really isn't anything bad to say about Joey, who often wonders how your mother is doing. Joey has a presence in the batter's box. He looks like a hitter. Even when he strikes out, damn, it looks so sugar sweet. He hit 3 home runs in one game off three different Cubs pitchers, which begs the question why he didn't do that home run thing more often last year.

Defense:
Joey, who is never sure if you're talking to him, had some minor issues with the glove in 2008 but owns a career .992 fielding percentage, which is the NL average for first basemen. And considering Joey was fielding throws from Edwin, Kepp and Jerry Jr. all year, the number is even more remarkable.

Overall:
Joey, who always leaves early because he has a thing, is and will be the Red meat for many years to come, or until he's eligible for free agency in five years. That still gives him ample time to grow into a perennial All-Star, but for that to happen, Albert Pujols and Lance Berkman will first have to die off. Oh, and Prince Fielder too (and that's just the NL Central). Joey is part of a cluster of Canadians in the bigs, along with Jason Bay and Justin Morneau, who he should grow to resemble in numbers and demeanor, which is really, really exciting.

STAT WATCH: It's up to the other Reds if they win or not this year because Joey is going to put up very good numbers. He will lead the team in HRs, RBIs, meatball eating, OBP, SLG, and maybe even BA. This is not so much a prediction as it is a guarantee, unless Jay or Edwin busts through the ceiling, which I would be completely for also.

R.I.P. Josh Fogg

Josh Fogg

(2007-2008)

"If you need someone

to lose the game for you

I am certainly

up to the challenge."

In 2007, Josh earned the nickname "Dragon Slayer" from his Colorado Rockies teammates after pitching a stretch of games outdueling the likes of Brandon Webb, Curt Schilling, etc. This was most likely an example of Rockies players trying to lift Josh's spirits after roughly 948 innings of getting the shit knocked out of him.

Josh brought his 72-mph fastball to Cincinnati in 2008, along with a career 4.90 ERA and a Joker smile. When most didn't think it possible for Josh to pitch worse, he shocked the world and gave the Reds 78.3 innings of 7.58 ERA baseball (a superb ERA for wiffle ball). The farthest he made it into a game was 6 innings. He surely contemplated pitching underhand once or twice, just to see.

STAT WATCH: The Dragon Slayer is currently unsigned. Imagine that. Let's see if Josh ever pitches in a major league game again. If he does, it will give hope to Matt Belisle, which is sad and unfair.

Scouting Report: Aaron Harang (two posts down)

I hate formatting.

Show Me the Money, '09!

The official propaganda machine of the Cincinnati Reds, reds.com, released an article recently with some updated salary figures for the 2009 season. Among them, some changes from last year...

• Francisco Cordero is taking everyone out to dinner as the highest paid Red at $12 mil, roughly $171,000/inning.
• Aaron Harang, coming off his worst Reds season, is rewarded with a few more millions. Why not!
• Brandon Phillips, fresh from laying a turd at home plate last season, will get nearly double with $4.75 million (gotta love that Gold Glove bonus!).
• Alex Gonzalez continues to kkkkkiiiiiillllllllllllllll us.
• Bronson Arroyo now almost makes $10 million a year, not including his JTM advertising monopoly which is rumored at hundreds of dollars.
• Matt Belisle still has not received his paychecks from the last four years of his service.

Scouting Report: The Harangatang

In 2003, the Reds traded Jose Guillen to Oakland for Aaron Harang and a couple no names. At that juncture, the Reds were giving away one of their best young hitters in the middle of a breakout season for an unproven arm with a high ERA. Though at the time the deal seemed like a classic Reds manuever, trading away a good player in an effort to avoid paying the good player and in return recieveing a cluster of hopefuls, the deal miraculously worked. Flash forward five years--Jose is now a professional nutball who plagues every locker room he manifests and Aaron is a consummate leader and workhorse starting pitcher. Speaking of nutballs, the trade was made two days after Jim Bowden was canned. Why doesn't this surprise me?

Aaron Harang is a large man. He stands 6'7" and weighs 240 lbs. He will bend down to shake your tiny little hand. He will not, however, wear his emotions on his sleeve. A good example of this came last season when he went 6-17 with a 4.78 ERA and did not lose his shit even once. Many of us wish that Aaron didn't have a heart of gold (see Aaron's Aces), that he would lose his shit once in a while, I don't know, say August 16th, 2008 at home against those ass-sniffing St. Louis Cardinals when he surrendered 8 ER in 3.1 innings, including home runs by Ludwick, Schumaker and the destroyer of all things spherical, Mr. Pujols. Couldn't Aaron have at least thrown a glove or kicked the Gatorade cooler? How about intentionally throwing at the next batter, Rick Ankiel. Nobody likes that guy. Drill him right in the back, have him charge the mound, and then pick him up with one hand and bite his head off. We can assume that Aaron has freakish monster strength.

Last year was not Aaron's best year, his worst since his first full season with the Reds in 2004. From 2005-2007, he unassumingly built his reputation as one of the most consistently good pitchers in the NL. In 2007 he finished 4th in Cy Young voting despite leading the league in Wins and SOs, becoming the first pitcher ever not to win the award after leading the league in those two categories. Sad face.

STAT WATCH: The Harangatang will most likely be our opening day starter. He's #1, which means he needs to pitch like #1. The #1's on most other winning teams are lights out, shut the door, have a nice ride home. Aaron needs to be one of those guys. As I've said before, even in his good years, his ERA is still rather high (3.83, 3.76, 3.73). I'm not splitting hairs here. It's just, if he's our #1, it needs to be lower than that. Aaron needs to log 200 innings of 3.25 ERA baseball for the Reds to contend in the NL Central this year.

Where Does the Money Go?

At the end of MLB fiscal year 2008, the Reds ranked 18th in payroll just above $74 million, fifth among NL Central teams. Here is how they spent the money (numbers rounded).

Adam Dunn--$13 mil
Francisco Cordero--$8.6 mil
Ken Griffey Jr.--$8.3 mil
Aaron Harang--$6.75 mil
Alex Gonzalez--$4.6 mil
Bronson Arroyo--$4.6 mil
David Weathers--$3.3 mil
Mike Stanton--$3 mil
Ryan Freel--$3 mil
Jeremy Affeldt--$3 mil
Brandon Phillips--$2.94 mil
David Ross--$2.53 mil
Scott Hatteberg--$1.85 mil
Josh Fogg--$1.5 mil
Javier Valentin--$1.35 mil
Matt Belisle--$1.25 mil
Juan Castro--$975 thou
Todd Coffee--$907 thou
Mike Lincoln--$550 thou
Edwin Encarnacion--$450 thou
Norris Hopper--$402 thou
Jeff Keppinger--$402 thou
Jared Burton--$395 thou
Edinson Volquez--$392 thou
Bobby Livingston--$392 thou

and those poor league minimum bastards...
Joey Votto--$390 thou
Johnny Cueto--$390 thou
Jay Bruce--$390 thou

Things to notice...

• Who the hell is responsible for giving Matt Belisle over a million dollars.
• The Reds slashed 55% of their 2008 payroll. About 20% of that will go to Ramon "the most overpaid catcher in baseball" Hernandez in 2009.
• Bobby Livingston, who spent all of 2008 in AAA, made more than Joey Votto, Johnny Cueto and Jay Bruce, and the same as Edinson Volquez.
• Assuming the baby Reds (Edinson, Johnny, Jay, Joey) all grow up to be fantastic, the Reds are going to have a hell of a payday in 2011 when all are eligible for arbitration, and then in 2014 when all are eligible for free agency. If the Reds haven't flirted with the postseason by then, it will be fun to witness the dismantling of a team!
• Matt Belisle is a millionaire. Shit.
• Alex Gonzalez is kkkkkkiiiiiiiillllliiiiiinnnnggggg us.
• Edwin is in arbitration right now and should become a millionaire in the near future, barring the Reds trick him into playing for free, which sadly might happen.
• If you don't understand arbitration, MLB service time, free agency, Super Two players and why Jay Bruce wasn't called up sooner, you MUST read this article.

Welcome: Jonny "I Will Beat the Living Shit Out of You" Gomes

The Reds have just signed RF Jonny Gomes, who will beat the living shit out of you, to a minor league contract and invited him to Spring Training. Jonny, a licensed physical therapist and survivor of a heart attack in 2002, will compete for a reserve role with the big team. He is a career .235/.329/.455 hitter in six injury-plagued seasons with the Rays. Jonny is one of those players that is too good a hitter for AAA but isn't consistent in the majors. He will, however, beat the living shit out of you if you cross him or his teammates.

For less than a million dollars, Jonny will be a good fit for the Reds. Assuming he is called up or makes the team, he gives the Reds a power bat off the bench, a Javier Valentin of sorts, but who can actually be considered a home run hitter. Even though he won't get many innings, Jonny will still bring much needed shit-beating ability to a team whose players would much rather watch Bridget Jones's Diary than Natural Born Killers.

STAT WATCH: We won't ask Jonny for much this year. How about 3 late-inning pinch hit dingers and 3 haymakers to any player in the NL Central (bonus points for Carlos Zambrano or Prince Fielder).

Scouting Report: The Great American Ball Player

Offense:
In the first 12 games (46 ABs) of Jay's career, he batted .457/.554/.739 and was hastily elected into the Reds Hall of Fame--and why not, with his natural, smooth swing and the clean cut boyishness. Can't you hear all those guys you work with getting in your face about it. "They should have brought him up sooner, man. I told you. I knew it. I should be frickin GM." In the 96 games that followed, when Jay hit .229/.280/.417, eerily matching Corey Patterson's career numbers, those same guys you work with covered quickly and easily. "Man, you gotta give him more time to develop. He's so frickin young, which reminds me, you know who sucks--Corey Patterson."

Defense:
Bruce can play all three outfield positions but his range and arm are best suited for right field. Because Bruce is so young, he still gets angry when Coach Baker puts him in the outfield instead of pitcher or shortstop.

Overall:
Jay was the fifth youngest player in the NL last year, born in April 1987. This gives Jay a great excuse when he plays bad--it's like Edwin Encarnacion times 1,000. But if there's one thing we are taught when we are young , it's never to trust a person with two first names. I am slightly weary of Jay, not just because of the name thing, but mostly due to his resemblance of Austin Kearns. Austin was a 7th overall pick, Jay a 12th. Austin broke into the lineup at age 22, one year older than Jay. In Austin's first 13 games (37 ABs) he hit .432/.553/.676, but went on to finish the year with much better numbers than Jay did. They both have sweet swings. They are both above-average defenders. They were both marketed to shit by the Reds front office and the guys you work with before they ever played a game. They are both white and could fly away with their ears. The list goes on.

STAT WATCH: Sadly for Jay, he is expected to lead the Reds offensive calvary into battle this year. Most fans are absolutely sure Jay is a can't-miss future All-Star, but a few of us aren't sure if he can even be the next Austin Kearns. Did I mention in 413 ABs in his rookie year, he walked 33 times and whiffed 110. I know, I know, he'll get better. In order for the Reds to finish above .500, The Great American Ball Player needs to grow up fast and hit .310/.400/.550. This is a tall order. Realistically, Jay is going to hit .275/.345/.490, which still isn't bad for any 22-year-old not named Jay Bruce. Just to be clear--I'm pulling for Jay, I really am. I want him to be the next Josh Hamilton minus the smack and hookers.

R.I.P. Corey Patterson

"Baseball America

and USA Today

1st Team All-American,

1998."

Corey Patterson was not very good at all.

STAT WATCH: Corey signed with the AAA affiliate of the Washington Nationals organization, where Cincinnati Reds players go to officially die. He was invited to Spring Training and will win the center field job on Opening Day, hit 55 HRs and bat .340/.450/.680. Let's keep track of how much better Willy Taveras is than Corey. You certainly can't get much worse.

Scouting Report: Edwin Encarnacion

Offense:
Edwin is an enigma. For a string of weeks, the baseball will appear the size of a watermelon to Edwin and he will scatter its seeds all over the field. Other weeks, the baseball will appear the size of a watermelon seed. Sometimes, when Edwin is really lost and swinging before the pitcher has let go of the ball, he is sent down to Triple AAA and the ball becomes the size of a watermelon again. He returns to the majors and proceeds to hit watermelons for some time until the next drought. Realistically, Edwin should probably think about switching to seedless watermelons, thus avoiding any confusion.

Defense:

Edwin is an enigma. He will botch the most routine ground ball, then on the following play, he will display jungle cat reflexes to pick a scorcher down the left field line. He will gun down Juan Pierre by a half-step from his butt and airmail Joey Votto with the pitcher half-trotting to first. His favorite pastime is grimacing. Edwin has one of the lowest career fielding percentages (.935) among active NL third basemen, although the difference between a Gold Glove and being the worst defensive third basement in the league is about 3 muffs per 100 attempts. Tis a cruel game!

Overall:
Edwin is an enigma. Some Reds fans have grown tired of his inconsistency and are done waiting for Edwin to hit watermelons daily. Others value his youth--he is only eight months older than Joey Votto. Edwin has the potential to be in the top tier of third basemen in the National League, but he also has the potential to become a 34-year-old reserve second baseman for the Kansas City Royals, if that frachise is still around in eight years. Right now, Edwin is in the top half of third basemen in the NL. Really, he is. Check out The Best Hitters in the NL Central post below this.

STAT WATCH: It's now or never for Edwin. He's played the equivalent of three full seasons. He should be figuring this thing out by now. We need big things from Edwin this year. He needs to be a reliable right-handed bat in a lineup of lefties. He needs to hit .290/.350/.480.

Scouting Report: Jeff Keppinger

Offense:

No matter how hard you try, you will probably not strikeout Jeff Keppinger, who led the National League with 19.1 ABs/SO. That is certainly tidy. Just ask Adam Dunn, sloppy bastard, who averaged 3.15 ABs/SO. There is no secret to what Jeff does. He simply puts the bat on the ball. He is a prototypical 2-hitter. He is so, so good at advancing runners and hitting the ball where it's pitched. He has the special talent of picking a spot in the infield and hitting the ball there. That is harder than it looks. He had a tremendous 2007 in part-time action (123 OPS+), but then took a major dunk in his pants in 2008 (70 OPS+).

Defense:

Ignoring Jeff's resemblance to Elmer Fudd in body type and height of hat, he surpassed expectations as a shortstop even though he is not fluid or graceful, doesn't have a strong arm, and is white. Simply put, Jeff is fundamental, which I believe is still considered a compliment.

Overall:

Wherever Jeff goes, a starting infielder has a horrific injury and Jeff steps in. Did you hear that Edwin?--You could be next. After Jeff stamped his major league ticket in 2007 with a team saving performance, he got a taste of his own, fracturing his patella 147 ABs into 2008. Up until then, he was batting .320/.365/.442, similar to his excellent 2007 line. In the 311 ABs after his return, however, he hit .238/.281/.299 - a brutal first-hand account of what happens when, God forbid, you fracture a patella. Jeff is fully rehealed from his injury, but then again, so is Alex Gonzalez, who apparently is real. In order to get some ABs this year, Jeff might have to learn how to play left field, or wait for Edwin to "fall" down the dugout steps.

STAT WATCH: If Keppinger is healthy and in the line-up, he will hit, I think. Most other Reds fans think so too, they think. Most would give Jeff the starting job to lose at shortstop, but unfortunately, Alex Gonzalez, who I hear does actually exist in our world, will be handed the job without question. This is sad for Jeff, but if Gonzalez has forgotten how to play the game, this is good for Jeff. Bat over .300 Jeff.

The Best Hitters in the NL Central

One of the best ways to measure a hitter is adjusted OPS, or OPS+. If you already know what OPS+ is, I am sorry, bear with me. If not, you should pay attention. While standard OPS is simply on-base percentage plus slugging percentage (OBP + SLG), adjusted OPS is a complicated formula that takes into consideration ballpark factor (sorry Vinny Castilla) and league averages for OBP and SLG in that players league. The resulting number is the rate above the league average expressed as a percentage. All you really need to know is 100 always represents the league average. The higher above 100, the better. The farther under 100, the worse. For example, let's take Albert Pujols in 2008 when he finished with an astronomical 190 OPS+. Albert was damn near close to being twice as productive as the average major league hitter. The only player with a career OPS+ over 200 is Babe Ruth (207). Albert is tied for seventh in career OPS+ (170).

Here are the highest OPS+ seasons for the NL Central in 2007 and 2008 including everyone over 100 with at least a 400 AB season (sorry Jerry Hairston Jr.).

	2008				2007
1	A. Pujols	190		1	A. Pujols	157
2	L. Berkman	159		2	P. Fielder	156
3	R. Ludwick	150		3	R. Braun	153
4	C. Lee	144		4	A. Dunn	136
5	T. Glaus	131		T5	L. Berkman	131
6	A. Dunn	129		T5	D. Lee	131
T7	A. Ramirez	128		7	H. Pence	130
T7	P. Fielder	128		8	A. Ramirez	129
T7	R. Braun	128		T9	C. Hart	126
T7	R. Doumit	128		T9	C. Lee	126
11	N. McLouth	126		11	A. Soriano	123
12	J. Votto	124		12	K. Griffey Jr	119
13	A. LaRoche	123		T13	R. Weeks	108
14	A. Soriano	121		T13	A. LaRoche	108
15	G. Soto	120		15	X. Nady	107
16	R. Ankiel	119		T16	B. Phillips	105
17	M. DeRosa	118		T16	J. Wilson	105
18	J. Hardy	113		18	F. Sanchez	103
T19	M. Cameron	110		19	M. DeRosa	102
T19	D. Lee	110		20	E. Encarnac…	101
T21	E. Encarnac…	106		21	G. Jenkins	101
T21	K. Matsui	106		22	J. Hardy	100
23	H. Pence	105
24	S. Schumach..	102
25	K. Griffey Jr.	101

Some things that come to mind...

• Albert Pujols is a destroyer of all things spherical.
• Is Ryan Ludwick really that good?
• Adam Dunn was one of the Top 5 most productive hitters in the NL Central.
• Joey Votto had a very good rookie year and should only get better.
• Brandon Phillips finished with a rather low OPS+ for his breakthrough year, lower than Rickie Weeks and tied with Jack Wilson, who resembles Nosferatu.
• Well I'll be a monkey's ass, is that Edwin Encarnacion on there, twice? Are we treating poor Edwin unfairly?
• He might have been aging and crippled, but Junior was still an above average producer at the plate in his waning Reds years.
• Why is Derrek Lee's name auburn-colored? I hate formatting text.

And just for fun, the highest career OPS+ players active...
1. Barry Bonds (182)
2. Albert Pujols (170)
3. Frank Thomas (156)
4. Manny Ramirez (155)
5. Lance Berkman (148)
5. Jim Thome (148)
7. Vladimir Guerrero (147)
7. Alex Rodriguez (147)
9. Jason Giambi (146)
10. Chipper Jones (145)

Scouting Report: Johnny Cueto

If a pitcher posts these numbers (174 IP, 9-14, 4.81 ERA), trade bait comes to mind. But when you're a 22-year-old rookie from the Dominican who averaged 8.18 SOs/9IP with a 96-mph fastball, you're probably safe for the time being. This is Johnny Cueto.

Johnny is one of a few Baby Reds, along with Edinson, Jay, Joey and Brandon, who will be unfairly asked to carry the load in 2009. He models his game after one Pedro Martinez, who is similar in body type, delivery, ethinicity, and who never backs down from a cockfight.

In 2007, Johnny went through the entire minor league gauntlet, earning his second consecutive Reds Minor League Pitcher of the Year award. Thanks to the failings of highly touted prospect Homer Bailey, who has yet to grow his set of testicles, Johnny nailed down a spot at the back end of the rotation with his major league debut performance on April 3, 2008, in a 7-inning, 1 ER, 10 SO performance against the Arizona Diamondbacks. Even though Johnny was brutalized in many following starts, the Reds stuck by him and were rewarded with some solid outings. He is still learning to be a pitcher and he relied too heavily on a fastball that was often placed waist high over the center of the plate. These baseballs often ended up in shrimp boat nets in the Gulf of Mexico, deposited from the Ohio into the Mississippi River.

As Johnny grows into a man and daydreams less and less in between innings about that one time he almost touched a girl's private parts behind the dance hall in San Pedro de Macoris, he will have the potential to become a 1 or 2 starter on a playoff team down the road. This of course will be on the team he is traded to after the Reds can't afford to offer him a major league contract.

STAT WATCH: Johnny will presumably be the fourth starter this year behind Volquez, Harang and Arroyo, which instantly makes him one of the best up-and-coming fourth starters in the bigs, if there is such a category. Steady improvement is what we want from Johnny. An ERA under 4.00 would be a major achievement for a 23-year-old. We also do not want Johnny to contract an STD or wear his arm down in the offseason participating in another sport, beisbol. We also do not want to discover that Johnny falsified his papers and is really 37.

R.I.P. Three-Headed Suck Monster

The Three-Headed Suck Monster, individually known as catchers David Ross, Paul Bako and Javier Valentin, brought a unique brand of suckery to the Reds. Because all three players were terrified of losing their job to the others, they made a pact; when given the opportunity to play, they would individually suck as much as possible, thereby giving the others a chance to play in the future. This created what is known in baseball as a suck cycle.

2008 Comprehensive Stat Line for the Three-Headed Suck Monster
562 ABs, .231 BA, 13 HRs, 66 RBIs, 153 SOs

Referring to Paul Bako as a hitter devalues the word. As a career .231/.305/.371 bat holder in 11 seasons with 10 teams, Paul, the middle head, has certainly redefined suck. He averages a home run every 99 ABs. To put that in perspective, Bronson Arroyo averages a home run every 67 ABs. Carlos Zambrano hits in circles around Paul. Even if Paul found his bat in old age, we would not be able to say he found his fountain of youth, because even in his youth, Paul was just awful. Defensively, Paul's thrown out 31% of base stealers in his career, which is slightly above average--so he's got that going for him.

David Ross, the head farthest left if facing the monster, was on track to become the Reds permanent catcher after a 2006 season that saw him hit .255/.353/.579 with 21 HRs and 52 RBIs in 247 ABs. David ironically followed this Dunn-like performance with a Bako-like 2007 in which he bat held .203/.271/.399 in 311 ABs. This lousy season made it easier for Bako and Javier Valentin to convince David he would be safer taking part in the 2008 suck cycle. David was potentially the most valuable of the Three-Headed Suck Monster in that he doubled as Bronson Arroyo's "personal catcher," which is apparently what they are calling it these days. David packed Bronson's lunches and spooned him in the locker room and told him everything was going to be okay after those starts in which Braxton Arroyo pitched in Bronson's place. Defensively, David's thrown out 38% of base stealers in his career, which is above average--so he's got that going for him.

Javier Valentin, the only Latin head of the monster, was a fan-favorite in Cincinnati because of his dirty moustache, barrel chest and lovable grin. As a career .251/.310/.402 hitter, Javier was regarded as the Reds pinch hit extraordinaire, a big bat on the bench that could tie the game with one swing of the bat. When Javier entered the game in clutch situations the stadium would swell with energy as he made his way to the plate. In 63 pinch hit ABs in 2008, Javier batted .174 with 1 HR...........but that one home run was really awesome! Defensively, it was amazing that the Reds let Javier start 17 games behind the plate last year. It was also amazing that only one person attempted to steal on Javier in those 17 games. This is amazing because in 2007, Javier threw out 11% of base stealers (5 out of 45), making Javier the only Latin catcher in the history of baseball who is not good at defense.

STAT WATCH: David Ross was reborn with the Atlanta Braves. Paul Bako was reborn with the Chicago Cubs. Javier Valentin is still unsigned in purgatory. Let's track the collective numbers of the former Three-Headed Suck Monster in 2009 and see if it outperforms newly-acquired 2003 All-Star Ramon Hernandez. This might be a surprisingly close race.

Scouting Report: Chris Dickerson

Offense
C-Dicks had an enchanted 2008. Called up during the dog days of summer with half of the Reds either injured or too demoralized to play, Dickerson put on his big-boy pants and came to work. In a cup of coffee (106 AB), he batted .304/.413/.618!!! Those numbers are almost as good as Albert Pujols' lifetime line. But let's not get too excited. In five minor league seasons, young Dickerson was a .260/.360/.415 hitter. This isn't too terrible when we consider the 100 point difference between his BA and OBP, which means Chris is patient at the plate and draws walks. This is hard to teach many young hitters but Chris seems to understand the strike zone, thus, he has the proper foundation to be a professional hitter. He will, however, have to cut down on the strikeouts (the main source of his low BA).

Defense
He's an agile, quick outfielder. Aren't they all?

Overall
Dickerson is an all-around athlete with 30 SB potential. It will take time for him to fully develop his game and it's doubtful he will finish next season with numbers remotely close to what he did in 2008, that is, if he even stays in the majors. He hasn't experienced a Major slump yet (inevitable) and when it happens, it will be very, very ugly. But let's hope the Reds give him at least half a year to prove himself. We'll see if Dickerson is a real power hitter. Something tells me not really, but then again, I've learned to be a pessimist as a Reds fan. He's 27 years old. It's time young Dickerson. Oh, and he seems to be a really good guy. Thanks to Matt F. for the link.

STAT WATCH: Rarely does a major leaguer drastically improve upon his minor league numbers. Because the Reds have yet to sign a legit starting left fielder, Chris might see a starting position there depending on how he performs this spring. Another scenario might pit Chris platooning in left with Jerry Hairston Jr., creating a unique individual player named Chrissy Dickston III. Dickerson has that magic nine-letter word: P-O-T-E-N-T-I-A-L. Then again, so does Homer Bailey. Chris, we have no idea what to expect from you. Just do good.

Scouting Report: Jerry Hairston Jr.

Offense
Jerry Hairston Jr. has played ten platoon/utility-filled seasons. Jerry Hairston Jr. has had one really good platoon/utility-filled season. That was last year—enough for the Reds to resign him recently to a one-year contract worth $2 million. Hairston is a career .260/.330/.370 hitter, even more depressing when considering he might have been juiced: see Mitchell Report, page 78,789. Jerry Jr. had an unusual 2008. He was knocked unconscious during spring training. When he awoke months after the season, he was surprised to learn he had batted 261 times with great success (.326/.384/.487).

Defense
Jerry Jr. played six positions for the Reds last year (SS, LF, CF, RF, 2B and 3B, in order of starts by position). He served admirably at shortstop with Alex Gonzalez and Jeff Keppinger both sidelined by injuries.

Overall
Jerry has tenacity and he appears to be a bit of an angry fellow. This is probably because he has been competing for a starting Major League job for 11 seasons. Every game last year, when the FSN camerman zoomed in on Jerry's face, his expression resembled a lion who's prey had been overtaken by a herd of hyenas. But maybe it is this drive, this willingness, that will push Jerry towards an everyday role with the Reds in the future. It is also of note that Jerry reportedly converted to the Jehovah's Witness faith in 2000, but rest assured, he has vowed not to knock on Saturday mornings. Did I mention he was an angry fellow.

STAT WATCH: Depending on what the Reds do with their left field vacancy, and depending on the health of Gonzalez and Keppinger, and depending on the health of himself, Jerry might or might not play a lot this year. If he does play on a regular basis, we need Jerry 2008. If Jerry becomes our permanent left fielder (sweet jesus), he's gonna have to hit, hit, hit. If he becomes our permanent shortstop, he's gonna have to hit, field, hit, hit. Jerry, you're a sparkplug. We need you standing on a base 36% of the time. Eat the meat. Attack the hyena herd.

Our Next Left Fielder...

Criteria for vacancy
1. Needs to be a free-agent
2. Needs to be a left fielder
3. Must possess a power bat
4. Must not be counted on to carry the franchise
5. Must be better than Rocco Baldelli

Hmmmm. This sounds like someone familiar.

Seriously folks, why did we trade Adam Dunn? The Reds now realize that it’s kind of hard to replace a 40 HR-100 RBI guy with a career .381 OBP. Sure, he’s a defensive liability. Sure, he hits for low average. Sure, his large, bumbly frame makes it look like he’s not trying very hard. But we unfairly counted on him to lead a below-average franchise and we never surrounded him with serious talent. If the Big Donkey’s numbers stayed the same and the Reds won 90 games annually, we would be on our knees for some Donkey Dick. Unfortunately, as the losing continued, Donk, our most visible player, shouldered most of the blame.

And now, here are the Reds, scrambling to find a left field power bat. The remaining options are--not including Manny--Rocco Baldelli, Garrett Anderson, Moises Alou, Luis Gonzalez, Jacque Jones, Jay Payton, Emil Brown and…Adam Dunn!!! Holy shit!!!


Would you take a second chance on him? I would.

Walt Jocketty would rather not get into it

The Reds missed the boat on Pat Burrell today. The official propaganda machine for the Reds, reds.com, tried to spin this into a positive, but it does nothing to pass the smell detector test. Simply put, the Reds botched it.

Pat the Bat signed a two-year contract worth $16 million with the Tampa Bay Rays. Considering Pat is coming off a steady 33 HR year with a World Series ring, the price was considerably lower than any team expected, especially the Reds.

"I'd rather not get into it," said Reds GM Walt Jocketty.

The Anatomy of a Loser a.k.a. "getting into it"
1. The Rays do not resign Rocco Baldelli because he is mediocre.
2. Committed to winning, the Rays go out and find a better replacement--Burrell.
3. The Reds, with a huge hole in left field and the middle of the order, never show a serious commitment to Burrell, one of a few free agents who will properly fill that hole.
4. After their worst dreams are realized and Burrell is gobbled up cheap, they decide to go after the lesser player to save their ass--Rocco Baldelli. Let's watch the desperation unfold in the next few weeks.

It's nice to know our management is patching up the holes--Oooo, spin for desert.

Scouting Report: Little Norris Hopper

Offense
Little Norris was sidelined most of 2008 and eventually bowed out for reconstructive elbow surgery. This was unfortunate for Little Norris, who made his mark in 2007 batting .329 in 307 AB. Almost 40% of his hits never reached that vast expanse of green that is the outfield (20 bunts and 17 infield hits), but as far as swinging and making terrible contact to the point where the ball ricochets off the extreme bottom or nub of the bat then squirts down the foul line and rolls to a stop in no man's land between home, third and the mound, Norris was an assassin. What we love about Little Norris is that he carries himself with a dignified aire that says, "I meant to do that." No one will ever know but Norry.

Defense
Because Little Norris is so tiny, three Norry steps is the equivalent of one Jay Bruce step. Even with this handicap, Little Norris zips around the outfield with relative ease, covering good ground. He is not an alley-stalker or wall-climber, but he will attempt to "go get it"--that is, when he is not collecting nuts and storing food for the winter.

Overall
Little Norris is a valuable bench player. He brings good speed, can fill in at all three outfield positions and has solid sacrificing ability. He is the only Reds player who can properly execute what is known as a bunt. When Norris performed this trick for the first time, all the Reds rose to the top of the dugout. "What the hell just happened," cried Edwin Encarnacion. "Will Norris be okay?"

STAT WATCH: We won't ask Little Norris for much in 2009, mostly because we shouldn't have to, but when June rolls around and Willy Taveras is batting .230, we might begin to see more of him, although that decision would be too easy, right Dusty?