Opening Day roster set: Brandon Phillips makes team

--Homer Bailey, Adam Rosales, Bill Bray and Jonny Gomes optioned to AAA. Gomes can become a free agent (in other words, goodbye sweet Jonny. It was over before it started. I love you. Be good, and if there is ever a bench-clearing brawl with the Reds, go straight for Nix.) Bray should be up soon.

--Micah Owings secures 5th spot in rotation, but will probably pitch in Bronson Arroyo's spot Thursday.

--Laynce Nix and Darnell McDonald are your backup outfielders. F**k.

--McDonald will start in left field on Opening Day, over Chris Dickerson. F**k.

--Daniel Ray Herrera earns final bullpen spot. He is 5'6", 165 lbs. F**k, that is small.

--A Cincinnati riot was avoided last week when Jacque Jones was excommunicated from the village, along with Little Norris Hopper (Nooooooo!!!) and Daryl Thompson, the latter two optioned to AAA.

Opening Day lineup

1. Jerry Hairston Jr, LF (Taveras out with the flu. F**k.)

2. Darnell McDonald, CF (Darnell McDonald belongs on the farm, E-I-E-I-O)

3. Joey Votto, 1B

4. Brandon Phillips, 2B (He made it!)

5. Jay Bruce, RF

6. Edwin Encarnacion, 3B (Ten bucks Edwin airmails his first throw)

7. Ramon Hernandez, C

8. Alex Gonzalez, SS (Janish is your backup. Do not get injured.)

9. Aaron Harang, P (Size of head doubled with loss of weight)

Rotation

1. Aaron Harang

2. Edinson Volquez (The only Red on my fantasy team. Don't ruin this for me, Ed.)

3. Bronson Arroyo (Still not on DL, even though he can't feel his hand)

4. Johnny Cueto

5. Micah Owings

Bench

Willy Taveras, CF (The Taveras era begins with disappointment)

Chris Dickerson, OF (Will never again get a chance to hit lefties)

Laynce Nix, OF (Because you are not Jonny Gomes, I immediately hate you.)

Paul Janish, SS (Can field a grounder and that's about it)

Ryan Hanigan, C

Bullpen

Francisco Cordero (245.34 ERA this spring)

Jared Burton

Daniel Ray Herrera

Arthur Rhodes

Nick Masset

Mike Lincoln

David Weathers

So, there is your Opening Day roster. Spring Training is over. No more meaningless speculation. 81 wins and I'll be happy. More than 81 wins and I'll be real happy. Less than 81 wins and I'll be happy, because all those fans that predicted a 90-win season will either become very angry or will find clever ways to wash the Kool-Aid moustache off their face, and it will provide for beautiful entertainment.

And before we get this thing underway, let's make one thing clear. I love baseball and I love the Cincinnati Reds.