R.I.P: Ryan “Crazy Asshole” Freel

Ryan "Crazy Asshole" Freel (2003-2008) was an energetic young man who carved a niche for himself in Cincinnati the old-fashioned Charlie Hustle way. Without the possession of a natural skill set, Freel found his way into the line-up by running all the way to first base on routine ground balls and diving into the stands for balls clearly out of glove's reach, often times inflicting tremendous pain upon innocent fans. Crazy Asshole accidentally manslaughtered a handful of old ladies and babies over the years using the momentous force of his hardened skull with a 270-ft. running start. Those fans who were not murdered absolutely loved it. Freel was a super-utility man, filling in at second base, third base and all three outfield positions. Because of this, no fan was ever safe.

When he wasn't injured or resting his skull, Crazy Asshole was a fairly-productive player. He knew how to get on base (career .357 OBP), something that many current Reds have trouble with (.321 OBP team avg. in 2008). And while I believe OBP is an extremely valuable statistic, and therefore am still a supporter of Adam Dunn (career .381 OBP--startling when considering his lifetime .243 BA), Reds management thinks otherwise. They like players with low OBP (see post below).

STAT WATCH: Let's see who has the better 2009 on an at-bat basis, Ryan Freel or newly-acquired Willy Taveras. This would certainly be the year that Freel decides to hit .330, smack 25 dongs and drive in 100.

Yankees ink Sabathia, Burnett, Teixiera; Reds nab Willy Tavares, Ramon Hernandez

In a stunning display of fortitude and strength, the Reds countered the Yankees signing barrage (C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, M.C. Teixiera) with a chess manuever of their own, signing CF Willy Taveras (career .283 BA/.331 OBP). Willy will have the undaunting task of replacing Corey Patterson, whose swing used only one arm.

If you are expecting power from Taveras, you will be slightly disappointed. He is the proud owner of 7 Home Runs and 109 RBIs.....In five f#%$# seasons. Oh, and he played at Coors Field in Colorado, and Enron Field in Houston, where Home Runs are the result of broken bats sawed off at the handle. Bronson Arroyo has a better Home Run average than Willy. Of course, he must make up for it with doubles and triples, right? In 1,973 career ABs, Willy has 60 doubles and 13 triples. Jose Reyes just about did that last season. Willy's slugging percentage last year was a ripe .296--1% higher than Bronson Arroyo.

So why is Willy in the league you ask. Well, it's because he can outrun a demotion to the farm. He led the NL with 68 steals last year, caught only seven times! Good God, that's fast, and even more jaw-dropping considering he was on base about 70 times. This is a classic Cincinnati gamble. The Reds are hoping Willy can repeat his incomplete 2007 campaign with Colorado (372 ABs, .320 BA, .367 OBP, .382 SLG) and not so much his 2008 campaign (479 ABs, .251 BA, .308 OBP, an Arroyo-like .296 SLG, and a World Series benching). The Reds front office will do a complimentary job of making Willy sound like Ricky Henderson for the next four months. This is a given.

The Reds also caused tsumani-like waves around the league when they traded Ryan Freel and some prospies to the Orioles for All-Star Catcher Ramon Hernandez. That's right--2003 All-Star Catcher Ramon Hernandez. That year, Ramon destroyed American League pitchers and finished the season with a scorching .273 BA, .331 OBP and .458 SLG. If that was an All-Star year for Ramon, he should have made the All-Star team at least five other times.

What's that I hear? Why, it's them gamblin' dice. Last year, Ramon's line closed with a 32-year-old-catcher-like .257 BA, .308 OBP, .402 SLG. Oh, I forgot to mention that he's really good at defense! Apparently he calls a good game! Yeah, Ramon! For the next four months, Ramon will be touted as the next Benito Santiago. This is a given.

Willy and Ramon, welcome. We apologize in advance, but hey, you're just glad to have a job.