Game 13: Brandon Phillips might never get a hit again

It's not a snake, dumbass

Cubs 7, Reds 2

*I couldn't catch most of the game tonight. I worked late at the information desk of a library in Idaho (there has to be a joke in there somewhere) so my good friend Drew aka DBeezy back in the Eastern Time Zone pitched in and took game notes for me. I've mashed our comments together to create one fantastic coast-to-coast superpost.

Micah Owings: 4.2 IP, 5 H, 2 ER, 4 BB, 3 K. It would have helped if Micah wasn't abandoned by the defense (Dickerson, Encarnacion). Pitching at Wrigley against the Cubs in limb-numbing temps never helps either. At the plate, Babe Ru...Micah struck out twice.

Jay Bruce: Laser-pulled his second home run of the year in the blink of an eye and later drove in the only other Reds run with a single. That hand must be feeling better. Sh-sha.

Joey Votto: Yeah stolen base...even though you were clearly tagged out. We must have brought the umpires from the Houston series along.

Cleanup Hitters: Micah Hoffpauir and Brandon Phillips batted cleanup for the Cubs and Reds respectively. Are these the worst two cleanup hitters in baseball? The name Hoffpauir will never look right and BP is batting .158. Just as I was getting ready to ask myself "Who the hell is Micah Hoffpauir?" he smacked a solo home run over the bleachers and out of the park. Our cleanup guy went 0-4 again.

The Reds Text Poll: ...in the 2nd inning asked viewers if the Cubs (with ownership changing) should keep Wrigley or build a new stadium a la the new parks in the Big Apple. The new stadium was voted down at a 2-1 clip. I wonder if the voters changed their mind when one of the hundred stray cats that makes its home somewhere at Wrigley ran onto the field in the top of the 4th. Play was stopped so a Cubs employee could grab the cat, have the cat claw its way free, then pick up the cat by its tail and throw it into the stands. One fan hoping for a foul ball got a spotted cat instead.

The Groundskeeper: If you are ever unlucky enough to be in this situation, here is a picture of how not to catch a cat.

Jared Burton: Appears to have been relegated to garbage-time status for the moment. Entered the game with the Reds down five and pitched two semi-encouraging innings. Hey, someone's gotta do it, although, Jared is looking more and more like an actual garbage man with that awesome chin strap beard he's working on.

Mike Lincoln: ...is turning into quite the marksman. Plunked two batters in two-thirds of an inning. I think we all know what comes next...everybody say it together with your hand on your hip and shaking your head...ready...here we go, "Mike, were you high again?"

Quote of the Game: Chris Welsh made three alcoholic references in the first three innings before Grande called him out.

Chris Welsh Word of the Game: murderize (spelled murderise in Commonwealth countries) --pronounced: mur-dur-eyes
--used in a sentence: "Aramis Ramirez just murderized Daniel Ray Herrera's offering."
--origin: Windy City, early 21st century

When your pitchers yield seven walks and hit two batters and your offense musters only six hits, chances are you're not going to win, although I could have given you an idea of the outcome when I saw Harden v. Owings as the probables. We really need to air the bats out on Ted Lilly tomorrow--get a little Lillification going on--you know what I'm talkin' about.

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